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File 147806631292.jpg - (216.78KB, 850x581, touhouisweird.jpg)
touhouisweird
A micro story that should be updated once a day, work willing.

-----

You are Clownpiece. You live in Reimu's Basement. You want to prank someone.

But not just anyone.

A FAIRY should get your pranking today!

[ ] Go prank that Big Fairy with the pretty wings.
[ ] Go prank that Stupid Fairy with the strength and cold and stuff.
[ ] Go prank the Three Fairies. A Three for One that'll go down in legend!

-----

Let's hope this works.
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[X] Go prank that Big Fairy with the pretty wings.

Go big or go home.
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[X] Go prank the Three Fairies. A Three for One that'll go down in legend!

Three is bigger than one.
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[x] Go prank that Big Fairy with the pretty wings.
Dai is love, Dai is life, Dai is joy.
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Perhaps we can prank all of them in one day. This order sounds comfortable.
[1] Go prank that Big Fairy with the pretty wings.
[3] Go prank that Stupid Fairy with the strength and cold and stuff.
[2] Go prank the Three Fairies. A Three for One that'll go down in legend!
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[X] Go prank that Big Fairy with the pretty wings
Must bully Dai
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[X] Prank yourself first

"One cannot hope to know their enemy unless they first know themselves."

Source: [That War Dude]
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[X] Go prank that Big Fairy with the pretty wings.

There's only one guy to try and fly with, and that's Dai.
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[X] Go prank that Big Fairy with the pretty wings

-----

You decide that you should start small.

So you aim for a fairy who doesn't even have a name.

...

You find a small patch of flowers by the lake shore. You see the Big Fairy staring in confused concentration at a book in her ha- Hold up.

You know that book! It's Goldilocks! You love that book! But isn't that book in English?

-----

Daiyousei can't read English!

[ ] That means she's confused and vulnerable!
- [ ] Hit 'er with a stink bomb!
- [ ] Use you're secret weapon! Snake-patterned-cloth-wrapped-over-a-coiled-spring-in-a-can! (Name a work in progress)
- [ ] Sneak up and tap her shoulder!


[ ] Man, though, it's been forever since I've read that book...
- [ ] Ask her if you can read it.
- [ ] Take the book SNEAKILY.
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[X] Offer to read it to her and horribly distort the story.

Where is your god now.
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[x] Sit down next to her and start reading along.
- [x] Lean over at head-ruffling height.

She'll never know what hit her.
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[x] Sit down next to her and start reading along.
- [x] Lean over at head-ruffling height.

The perfect plan
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[x] Sit down next to her and start reading along.
- [x] Lean over at head-ruffling height.
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[x] Sit down next to her and start reading along.
- [x] Lean over at head-ruffling height.

-----

You sit down next to her. She's focusing so hard that she probably wouldn't have noticed you if not for one of the bobbles on your hat brushing her head. She jolts at the touch and turns to identify the intruder. Seeing you, she freezes in fear.

Hmm hmm! So your reputation precedes you!

You place a hand on the book and watch the big fairy's face. You watch her eyes grow in terror. She thinks you're gonna' steal her book!

You pick it up and place it in your lap. You lean in to the fai-

You fall on your side to the dirt. You pick yourself up, miffed to hell and back.

The big fairy looks scared as heck.

You sit up, proud that you're so well known! Hmm hmm HMM!

You begin with the title.

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

You open the book.

You give the big fairy a pointed smile. Warm and inviting and what-not.

She steps forward like a trembling doe, expecting a trap. You hold out your hand slowly, inviting her in.

She stops at your hand, then, tentatively, gingerly inserts her head under your haaaaaaaAAAAAAAA-

-----

[ ] -AAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!
- [ ] HEADPATS? AND YOU'RE GIVING THEM FOR ONCE?
- - [ ] HEADPAT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT!
- - [ ] NO! RESTRAIN YOURSELF!
- - - [ ] NO HEADPATS YET!
- - - [ ] ONLY A FEW HEADPATS!

or

[ ] PULL BACK! TOO CLOSE!
- [ ] IGNORE HER TOUCH!
- - [ ] RESIST HEADPATS!


But also...

[ ] Keep reading.

[ ] Focus on your other choice.

-----

You thought you would RECEIVE the headpats, but it was NOT TO BE!
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[x] -AAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!
- [x] HEADPATS? AND YOU'RE GIVING THEM FOR ONCE?
- - [x] NO! RESTRAIN YOURSELF!
- - - [x] ONLY A FEW HEADPATS!
[x] Keep reading.

We'll get the upper hand yet.
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-[X] RESIST HEADPATS!
--[X] Keep reading

Pranking someone after headpatting them would be too cruel. I say to save headpats for after the prank, to help Dai recover from the emotional trauma.
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[x] -AAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!
- [x] HEADPATS? AND YOU'RE GIVING THEM FOR ONCE?
- - [x] NO! RESTRAIN YOURSELF!
- - - [x] ONLY A FEW HEADPATS!
[x] Keep reading.
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x] -AAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!
- [x] HEADPATS? AND YOU'RE GIVING THEM FOR ONCE?
- - [x] NO! RESTRAIN YOURSELF!
- - - [x] ONLY A FEW HEADPATS!
[x] Keep reading.

Last time we went too hard with the head pats we accidentally plunged gensokyo into a war. Moderation is the name of the game.
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[X] HEADPATS HEADPATS OVERDRIVE
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-[X] RESIST HEADPATS!
--[X] Keep reading
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4 votes for HEADPATS and most of those call for RESTRAINT.

-----

You begin petting the big fairy. She's bigger than you, but... She looks so happy...

She's blushing... And she's warm... Her hair is silky smooth... She's blushing real hard...

One hand isn't enough.

You add a second hand for twice the petting. The fairy is making adorable moaning sounds.

VERY adorable. TOO adorable.

You pull her in to your lap and pet the side of her face.

She mewls.

She grabs one of your hands, nuzzles in to it and MEWLS.

Your breathing is heavy. You must RESIST or something BAD might happen!

-----

Clownpiece is UNACCUSTOMED to actually GIVING HEADPATS OUT. She does not know HOW to PAT RESPONSIBLY, let alone RESIST.

-----

[ ] Think of terrible things! (choose 2, if you want.)
- [ ] Country music!
- [ ] Icky snails!
- [ ] Icky boys!
- [ ] Your failed acting career!
- [ ] Your early years in the home land!
- [ ] That time with the dog on the beach when you were a toddler that ended up being a big advertisement that you never lived down!
- [ ] That time you looked yourself up on the internet when Master wasn't home!
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- [XXX] That time you looked yourself up on the internet when Master wasn't home!

This vote... It calls to me...
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- [x] That time you looked yourself up on the internet when Master wasn't home!

THE INTERNET IS FOR
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- [XXX] That time you looked yourself up on the internet when Master wasn't home!
- [X] That time you looked her up on the internet when Master wasn't home!
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[x] Your failed acting career!
Pissing in piss.
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- [x] Icky boys!
- [x] That time you looked yourself up on the internet when Master wasn't home!
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- [x] Icky boys!
- [x] That time you looked yourself up on the internet when Master wasn't home!

You continue to make me squee, Plates McGee.

This may be a good thing! We shall see~
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>>40186

...Poetry by mistake; how much more till I break? If I do it again, please give me a shake.
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>>40187
Don't force it dude, you'll start to sound fake.
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>>40188

Wow, I didn't know such things were at stake...
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File 147843045298.jpg - (202.65KB, 850x680, WHATHAVEYOUDONEANON.jpg)
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>>40189

You're missing the point that I'm trying to make.

[X]A TOUHOU HAS INTERNET ACCESS? has the win with no ties!

-----

This big ol' fairy is WEAPONIZED CUTE! And the fact that she's bigger than you in every way is making it VERY HARD to block out the fact that a pretty girl who you'd probably want headpats from VERY MUCH is enjoying your headpats far too much to be safe.

You have to block this out before you take things too far!

Think of something terrible!

...

You remember that one time you looked up "Clownpiece" without the Safe Search or master to save you?

You're now in to barf and dogs.

You're NEVER gonna' live that down for you're eternal technically-fairy life!

No one must EVER KNOW!

...

IT'S NOT WORKING!

SHE'S TRYING TO KISS YOU!

THAT'S OVERRIDING JUST ABOUT ANYTHING FRUSTRATING YOU CAN THINK OF AND REPLACING ANXIETY WITH P A N I C !

If you'd been PROPERLY DISTRACTED...

... You shudder to THINK of it!

-----

There is a BIG PRETTY FAIRY trying to kiss you!

On the LIPS!

[ ] Freeze in terror.

[ ] Pass out.

[ ] Confess that your heart isn't ready.

-----

Seriously, I almost forgot what this story's supposed to be about.











































[ ] Pucker up
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[X] Confess that your heart isn't ready.

>You're now in to barf and dogs.

Ohh god, I know exactly what picture she saw.
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[X] Freeze in terror.

We can't do something at this point! It'd ruin the fun!

>>40191
I don't, but I guess I probably don't want to go there, right?
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[x] Confess that your heart isn't ready.
THE PREPARATIONS OF HEART ARE NOT MADE
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[X] Freeze in terror.

With a description like that, I'm glad I don't know what we're talking about.
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[x] Freeze in terror.

jesus christ how horrifying
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[X] FREEZE, SUCKA'!

-----

You freeze in shock. This is the first time ANYBODY has shown romantic interest in you! You know, aside from that time Uncle Dionysus tried to get with you at that one Going Away party, but the familiar taste of family-brewed Protein-flavored wine is irrelevant!

The important thing here is that someone is trying to get with you, and neither of you are completely smashed!

What do you do? Do you lean in? Lean back? Do you sweep her off her feet? Do you ask her name NOW? What do you tell master? Or that Star Sapphire girl who you're fairly certain has the hots for you?

You think. You're not sure about that. You could be reading in to it wrong.

But what do you DO here? Isn't there supposed to be a date or drunken religious party FIRST before undrunken kisses? Isn't that how babies are made? That's how MASTER says babies are made! Kissing while sober signals the stork louder than when your drunk! You don't know how to handle storks! What do you feed it? What DO storks eat?

---!?

The faint taste of green tea meets your lips, but for only a moment. The fairy stares up at you, lust in her eyes. Her voice, a breath through a wildflower field in spring, begs you...

"... No more pats... It's too much..."

-----

Clownpiece was panicking and unable to maintain her train of thought! Her guard was down!

[ ] Story!
- [ ] Read!

[ ] Pat!
- [ ] L I G H T L Y

-----

I figure a Greek Madness Nymph might be closer to a Maenad, so let's go with that for this story.





[ ] Kiss back!
[ ] Grope time!
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[X] Story!
- [X] Read!

Let's tell her a story about the birds and the bees.
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[ ] Story!
- [ ] Read!
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[x] Story!
- [x] Read!
Blasphemy. Dai is a good girl.
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[X] Story
-[X] Read
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[X] Story
-[X] Read
Must... resist... patting...
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>Or that Star Sapphire girl who you're fairly certain has the hots for you?
Could it be? Is this the legendary fairy love triangle? Is it the promised time?

Regardless, it's time for edging.

[x] Story!
- [x] Read!
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[X] Blue Balls it is!

thank you anon

-----

You remove your hands and grab the book. The big fairy sighs in relief.

"Thank you. I almost..."

She let's the sentence hang. You have no idea what that sentence could be ended by, but you don't want to find out.

The big fairy is still breathing pretty hard, so you start reading to distract her.

And you. You need distracting. Your heart is beating too hard.

"Once upon a time, there was a little girl named 'Goldilocks'."

You point out the girl on the picture.

"Look! That's her!"

The big fairy is still breathing kind of hard, but she's more fascinated in the picture book than... whatever she was before.

She looks up to you with wide, trusting, innocent eyes.

"She looks like you!"

-----

Daiyousei has never really seen a pure-bred WESTERNER before. She can't tell NATURAL, WESTERN BLONDES apart.

This is still too cute, though and your urge to pet again is RISING.

[ ] Just a little pat...
- [ ] More...
- - [ ] MORE!!!

[ ] HOLD IT!
- [ ] READ!
- - [ ] STAY CELIBATE!
- - - [ ] FOR {insert Western Actor and/or actress's name here}!

[ ] Just read.
- [ ] Do that trick with your torch the big rabbit showed you.
- - [ ] Wouldn't you know, - - -!
- - - [ ] it really IS me!
- - - [ ] that looks more like you, doesn't it?





[ ] File your taxes after this.

-----

Read nothing in to that last spoiler. It's just there because.

An innocent, but still big fairy is good too.
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[X] HOLD IT!
WE'LL NOT BE BROKEN SO EASILY LADS!

Nigger it is November, [X] Do your goddamn taxes.
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[x] HOLD IT!
- [x] READ!
- - [x] STAY CELIBATE!
- - - [x] FOR ROBIN! NEON GENESIS EVANGELION!
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[HOLD IT!]

Insert phoenix here.
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[X] Just a little pat...
- [X] More...
- - [X] MORE!!!

My willpower... is fading...
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[X] HOLD IT!
- [X] READ!
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[X] HOLD IT!
- [X] READ!

Knowledge is power, or something.
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[X] Just read.
- [X] Do that trick with your torch the big rabbit showed you.
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[X] HOLD IT!
- [X] READ!

-----

YOU SIT UP STRAIGHT. RIGGED SPINE.

RESIST.

The big fairy looks at you confusedly.

You continue reading.

"One day, Goldilocks went for a walk in the forest. On her walk, she came across a little cottage."

The big fairy points out the cottage and begins bouncing excitedly. Her little pony tail is bobbing.

She's super excited about the cottage.

-----

HOW IS SHE SO CRIMINALLY CUTE!?!?

[ ] PEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

[ ] STEELE YOURSELF!

[ ] KEEP READING!
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[X] PEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!
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[X] KEEP READING!
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[x] KEEP READING!
DAMMIT, CLOWN, KEEP IT TOGETHER!
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[x] KEEP READING!
Will... faltering... must... resist... the moe
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[x] KEEP READING!

Stay on target! (Which was supposed to be pranking, but whatever... We have other priorities now.)
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[x] KEEP READING!
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[x] KEEP READING!
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[x] KEEP READING!

Don't worry, just keep on keeping on. When the time is right, then. Then we will headpat.
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>>40232
I will forever be the voice in your subconscious saying "CHEEEEEEEEN!!!"
You can't deny me forever...
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[x] KEEP READING!

-----

You turn the page.

You will READ THIS BOOK and you will FOCUS and when you're DONE you will prank the SLEEPING FAIRY and THEN you'll pet her!

"When Goldilocks saw that the door was unlocked, she waltzed right on in, without even so much as a knock on the door!"

The big fairy let out a gasp of shock, her hands rising to her mouth to cover the rude, but maidenly sound. She turns her gaze upward to you.

"She's so rude!"

-----

[ ] Nod and agree

[ ] Just nod

[ ] Disagree

[ ] Pat
- [ ] Pat
- - [ ] Pat?
- - - [ ] Pat

[ ] Kiss her with no warning

[ ] Use torch
- [ ] Reference old movies while using torch

-----

Holy shit, almost forgot to update.
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[X] Nod and agree.
[X] Pat.
-[X] Pat.

Sorry about the wall of text. I don't want to make you write in excess, but how can I choose just one?
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[x] Just nod
STAY STRONG
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[x] Just nod

This is making me wonder whether there was any chance of actually pranking anyone in the first place. Not complaining though.
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[x] Just nod
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[x] Just nod
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[X] Nod and agree.
[X] Pat.

Fuck it, fine. Let's just move this along.
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>>40240

But THEN how will I drag this out for a month?
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[X] Nod

-----

You must FOCUS ON THE MISSION! You have to read this book to her until she falls asleep! You can't set up a prank while she's awake! If you speak to her, though, she may respond. The longer you maintain eye contact with this large fairy, the more dangerous the situation becomes!

You nod in agreement, but don't say a word. She turns back to the book, eager to find out what happens next.

"In the cottage, Goldilocks found three chairs. A big-sized wooden chair, a little-sized pillow chair and a medium-sized cushion chair."

The big fairy doesn't say a word. She seems to be focused intently. You continue.

-----

After LOTS of BOOK READING, the big fairy is now SLEEPING in your CLOWNY LAP.

[ ] Pet

[ ] Pet

[ ] Pat

[ ] Pet

[ ] Peeeet

[ ] Pet

[ ] PRANK!!!!!
- But how?
- [ ] Whoopee cushion?
- [ ] Oh, Oh, AIRHORN!
- [ ] Whipped cream all over her hand!
- - [ ] Then tickle her nose!
- [ ] Use the torch to look like her daughter!
- [ ] Your trademark special prank! Snake-colored-cloth-wrapped-around-a-coiled-spring-in-a-can-labeled-peanut-brittle!
- [ ] Dog collar! Make her think she's your pet!
- [ ] Surround her with math and geography books! Every fairy's mortal enemy!



[spoiler][ ] Peek at that one Futo story that should probably get an update...
- [ ] You lazy shit


-----

>>40240

Nevermind, I think I know how to drag this out without stretching it too thin.
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[x] Peek at that one Futo story that should probably get an update...
- [x] You lazy shit
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- [x] Whipped cream all over her hand!
- - [x] Then tickle her nose!

The classics!
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[X] Pet
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[x] PRANK!!!!!
- [x] Whipped cream all over her hand!
- - [x] Then tickle her nose!
[x] Peek at that one Futo story that should probably get an update...
- [x] You lazy shit
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[x] Peek at that one Futo story that should probably get an update...
- [x] You lazy shit

[X] Pet
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Aww... I wanted to hear more of this Goldilocks fellow!

[X] PRANK!!!!!
-[X] Surround her with math and geography books! Every fairy's mortal enemy!
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[X] PRANK!!!!!
-[X] Dog collar! Make her think she's your pet!
--[X] Peeeeet.
---[X] Cheeeeeeeeen!!

I will always be here, in the dark recesses of your mind... Don't forget.
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[x] PRANK!!!!!
- [x] Whipped cream all over her hand!
- - [x] Then tickle her nose!
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Gosh, it's been a while. Let's revote.

First vote to 2 wins.

I'll write soon after that happens.
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[x] Pet.

Welcome back.

You gaylord.
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[x] Peek at that one Futo story that should probably get an update...
- [x] You lazy shit
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[x] Peek at that one Futo story that should probably get an update...
- [x] You lazy shit

Screw making Dai a pet, let's get distracted.
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[x] Peek at that one Futo story that should probably get an update...
- [x] You lazy shit.

This. Also welcome back.
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Looks like it's time to take a peek at a different story. Writing soon.
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Welcome back!
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It will happen! Tonight/tommorow morning! It took me a surprisingly long time to decide what to do this update.
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It will happen! Tonight/tommorow morning! It took me a surprisingly long time to decide what to do this update.
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>>40585
You double-posted, and you didn't even have them a day apart. You soggy sack of bollocks.
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>>40586
Posting from a phone is a hell I'd wish not upon my worst enemy.
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