“Hey, uh,” you call out, heading to the kitchen with your plate. “Remember when I told you about that one website about Gensokyo?”
“Yeah.” Momiji is already washing her dishes, her baggy jacket sleeves pushed up to keep the cuffs from getting soaked. Her ears are in full view. Apparently she took her hat off at some point. Whatever. “Wasn't it a load of bull?”
“Not really.” You dump the plate on top of hers. She gives you a good scowl for that. “Come to the computer whenever you're done.”
Looks like you're past the point of no return. It is about time to introduce her to the shitpool known as the internet. And within the darkest, most vile crevice is the fuckfest that is Touhou-Project.com.
You pull up the “How to Survive on THP” post and await Momiji's arrival. When Momiji exits the kitchen, she hops on your spare chair and rolls it to the computer, wheeling it next to you. “So. What am I looking at?”
“Maybe you should read first and find out before asking stupid questions.”
“Wow, thanks, big help man.” Momiji squints at the screen, flicking her ears.“What are 'emoticons'?”
You try not to let her ears distract you, instead focusing on... something else. “What do you think?”
“I don't know, that's why I'm asking you, shit.” She pinches at the bridge of her nose, frowning.
“Just don't use them.”
“Okay, whatever. So this is a forum, right? Looks like a place where people gather to write about... 'Touhou' whatever that is.”
“Nah. Forums have usernames. THP doesn't have usernames, so it's just a place full of anonymous people posting stories, images, and comments.”
“But this person has a username.”
“No,” you shake your head. “That's a trip.”
Momiji blinks. “What's the difference?”
“Random letters and stuff after the name, dunno.” Fuck, man. She's really testing your patience here.
“Uh huh. Sounds like a load of shit.” She steals the mouse, scrolling through the rest of the thread. “Butthurt?” She scrolls through more. “...Shitstorm?”
You give a noncommittal shrug. “Figure it out.”
“What the hell, aren't you supposed to help me?”
“No, who told you that?”
“...Right,” she miserably nods. From the corner of her eye, Momiji spots the THP sidebar. “Youkai... Mountain?”
“No, I don't need a fucking explanation,” she cuts you off. Hovering the cursor over the link, she takes a hesitant click to the board. Momiji grows ever closer to the monitor until she is basically pressing her face onto it. Then she reels back suddenly, your chair whining in complaint. “Is... is that me?”
Well, here it comes. You aren't sure if she was prepared but you're going to drop a bomb on her anyway. “Welcome to Touhou, Momiji. Why don't you Google your name? But don't click the Wikia link. That site is fucking ass.”
She complies, clicking on touhouwiki.net. With each passing second on the site, her grip on the mouse stiffens. “Gallagher,” she huffs. “What the fuck is this?”
“Your wiki entry.”
“I know that, dammit.” Momiji clicks through the other links in increasing agitation. She passes through Mountain of Faith, Double Spoiler, Impossible Spell Card, and eventually returns back to her wiki entry. “So... I'm just some schmuck in a game?”
“A popular schmuck.”
“What, I don't get a portrait? Or even lines in the games?” Momiji rests her forehead on the desk, obviously sulking. “The wiki doesn't even have me listed as the Chief Guard of the White Wolf Tengu Squadron. Can it get any more barebones than that?”
Uh. “Are you really that upset because you're not an important character?”
She heaves a sigh, mussing her own hair in frustration. “A little. I'm pretty important in the village. I bet Aya has a portrait.”
“She does. That make you upset?” This is going swimmingly. To be honest, you thought that Momiji would lose her shit at this. But Momiji is only irritated – that much you can handle.
“Super upset,” replies Momiji. “All she does is complain and throws a fucking fit when she can't have it her way. Really, a goddamn child. Drives me nuts that she's more of a character than I am.”
“She stars in several games too,” you helpfully add.
Momiji responds by sinking further into the chair. “Great. Splendid. Fucking fantastic,” she mutters under her breath.
Your head canon is being shattered to pieces before your very eyes. The cute Momiji Inubashiri that worked alongside Aya Shameimaru is dead. But it's not like you didn't expect this. Momiji has it tough. “So is she also a bad writer? Does she still do the newspaper thing?”
“She's a great writer,” Momiji groans. “Regardless, she's still a complete asshole. People would buy her newspapers if she didn't shove it into their faces at every given moment.”
“I see.” You're about to give Momiji some fucking smack, but you realize how dumb that would be. She obviously knows Aya a lot better than you do, much to your chagrin. You check the clock and... holy fuck, it's 1:40 A.M.
Eh, whatever. Not like IRC wouldn't have kept you up anyway.
[ ] “So Aya's like that, huh?” [ ] “You said you were 'Chief Guard' of something, right?”
Damn...that's harsh man, I spent like 20 minutes making that. Oh well, them's the breads I suppose. I won't let this defeat get me down. I'll train day and night to become twice as strong before attempting to troll around these parts again
[x] “You said you were 'Chief Guard' of something, right?”
“So you said you were the 'Chief Guard' of... something, right?”
Momiji has a stupefied look on her face. “...Are you asking me?”
Jesus Christ. “Momiji, you're the only other person in the room. What do you think?”
“Yes?” she quips, flicking her ears.
You start a slow clap. “I'm glad someone as intelligent as you figured it out.” In response, Momiji gives you a kind scowl. You ignore it. “So, what are you again?”
“Well,” she says, puffing out her chest and placing her hands on her hips. “If you really want to know... I'm the Chief Guard of the White Wolf Tengu Squadron. I instruct all armed forces in the tengu village as well, white wolf or not. My duties also involve guarding the mountain and observing the mountain path that leads to the tengu village.”
“Do you actually need to guard the village?”
“Not really, but guarding the village makes for easier incident reports... especially if the shrine maiden comes along. I prefer my incidents with minimal hassle. It's easier that way for both myself and the village. But especially myself.” Momiji spins her chair around idly. “I also report directly to Lord Tenma and am in charge of all personnel in the case that Lord Tenma is absent.”
So Momiji is the top dog, huh? Go figure. “Sounds like you're pretty damn important.”
“Sure. And now my most important job is kitchen-duty. How the mighty have fallen.” She wheels the chair over to your bed and throws herself onto it, resting her head on the pillow. Your pillow.
“Welcome to reality, enjoy your stay.”
Momiji shrugs. “This is just fantasy to me. A really shitty fantasy. Can I get my ticket back to Gensokyo already?”
“Man. Your shitty fantasy is my everyday life– wait. Fuck.” You didn't need a reality check. Not like this. “...Anyway, what's Gensokyo like?”
“It's nice, I guess.”
“That's not a real answer, you shit.”
Momiji gives you a nasty grimace. “I don't know what you want from me, man.”
“Details. For example, how often do people fight with danmaku? Are people shitheads like our customers or are they actually reasonable? Who can fly?”
“So many questions,” she balks, rolling around in your bed.
Your impatience is getting to you. “Well?”
“Well, people fight with danmaku for a lot of reasons. One, it's easier to resolve disputes. Two, people get bored. It's a lot of two and a little bit of one.” Laying flat on the bed, Momiji stares at your ceiling, pondering over her answers. “And I guess people are reasonable, if you can consider, 'I'm going to cause an incident to get attention because I'm bored,' reasonable. And, uh, almost everyone can fly. All the youkai eventually learn how to and even some humans with aptitude are able to fly.”
Interesting. You guess that's more or less how the Touhou games are. “Can I fly?”
“No, flying is native to select human residents of Gensokyo. I don't know the specifics but I doubt people from around here are able to.”
“I see,” you eye the white wolf tengu. “Is there a noticeable gap between the male to female population?”
Momiji cocks her head in confusion. “No, why would you ask?”
“No reason.” Well, the Touhou games didn't explain shit. You wonder why all the characters represented were girls. You're left with more questions than answers but you are sure Momiji won't know shit about why the games misrepresent the male population. Whatever. You'll hit her with a better question. “Is your tail sensitive?”
“...What?” Momiji tosses around on the bed, crumpling your blanket. “I refuse to answer.”
“Alright. Are your ears sensitive?” She doesn't say anything, so you decide to push her one more time. “Are y–”
“No, dumbass.” She flips herself over, turning her back to you. “No more questions about my appendages.”
In your mission to tease Momiji, you completely forgot the last question you were going to ask. What were you going to say again? You think about it for a couple of seconds but the only conclusion you reach is that you have the attention span of a goddamn fly.
It was something about the outside. Wait, right. Outsiders. “Has Gensokyo had any events involving outsiders?”
“Momiji,” you call. “Momiji,” you repeat, this time raising your voice.
Fucking deja vu. She's passed out. You make the attempt to shake her awake, but she's already nearing a comatose state. Goddammit. You would think she was dead if it weren't for the fact that she's snoring gently.
[ ] Go sleep on her bed. See how she likes it. [ ] Haul her out. If she's not waking up, then she's going to sleep on her own bed. Whether she's awake for it or not.
Goddammit. “Momiji, I swear, if you don't get up...”
Fuck it, you don't care anymore. You are going to sleep on her bed and see how she likes it. Taking your keys, you walk out the room, lock your door, and barge into Momiji's place. And of course, her door is still fucking unlocked.
Throwing yourself onto the mattress, you can only think about how absurd the situation is. But you're too fucking tired to care. At least Momiji's mattress is a lot comfier than you thought it to be.
The sound of something shuffling around the room eventually wakes you up. You inhale deeply and stretch your arms. How rare. You've slept well. Rubbing your eyes, you drowsily toss around on the mattress. It takes a moment for your eyes to focus. When your vision clears up, you're greeted with a Momiji, who happens to be in the middle of changing. She doesn't seem to have noticed you yet.
Ugh. “Really?” You face away from her, pulling the blanket over your shoulder. “Can't you do that somewhere else? Have some decency.”
“Wah,” she cries, jumping away from your direction. “This is my apartment. All my clothes are here,” Momiji points out. “I... also didn't see you there. Why are you even here?”
“Oh, I don't know. All of a sudden, somebody seized my bed and took a nap like they fucking owned it.”
“Why didn't you wake me up?”
You attempt to give her a glare but you yawn instead. “The room could have been on fire and you still wouldn't have woken up.”
“...I was tired, okay?”
“Can you just finish changing already?” What a nuisance.
“Alright. I'm done. You can turn around now.”
So you do. “Momiji.” But she is still not done changing. Shit, she's fucking topless. “What the fuck?”
She laughs, just barely covering herself with her arms. “Sorry, I lied.” Turning around, she throws a navy blue shirt on and pulls up her pants. “Did you enjoy it?”
“There is no right way to answer that question, you pervert. Shouldn't you be more embarrassed?”
Momiji shrugs. “Only if I'm not prepared for it. Besides, you're the embarrassed one here, yeah?”
“No.” You're not. “No, I'm definitely not. I'm going to take a shower. Be ready in ten.”
The shower is uneventful and the walk to work is uneventful. You do your usual thing at work, seeing the employees in, opening the pub on time, and sitting in your bar, watching everybody else do their job. It's work. It's also boring. Nothing's happening.
A table clatters to the floor. The man who was previously sitting at said table is now brandishing a knife. An X-Acto knife. “You, waitress!” He screams out to Lily. “Give me all the money here!”
...From today onward, you will never complain about nothing happening ever again. You wonder how the pub gets customers when shit like this happens.
Lily is suddenly put on the spot. “Uh, um, I-I could go ask my manager?”
Hushed whispers echo from the rest of the customers, who have all seemed to back away to the furthest tables, drinks in hand.
[ ] You're not going to be a bystander. Step in. [ ] Sit it out and get the bouncer. The situation will get worse if you intervene.
Well. You're not going to get involved. The man with the X-Acto knife is jittery as fuck. Who knows what the fuck he'll do if you confront him. Might as well go get the bouncer.
“Boss!” Lily calls out, hand waving in the air erratically. Oh god. Not right now. In attempt to dodge the problem, you avoid eye contact, instead grabbing a bottle of... something and pretend to inspect its contents. “B-Boss, I need some assistance.” She shakes your shoulder in a desperate attempt to catch your attention.
Fuck. “Uh,” you stall, giving the man a fake smile. “I overheard the situation and I think I can help. Can I speak to my associate about this? I can get back to you in a few seconds–”
“No,” the man cuts you off. He squeezes the handle of the knife, swinging the thing around shakily. This guy is out of control, holy shit. You back off immediately. “It's a now kind of problem.”
Alrighty then, you're under pressure. Don't panic. Remain calm. “Understood. Great. Uh, Caaaaaaaarl!” you shout, though it is more of a scream at this point.
The man with the knife sees the lumbering Carl enter the premises and gets overly-excited, lunging towards your position. Too bad Lily is in the way. Oh.... fuck. Slamming Lily to the ground, you trade places with her. Now if only you could get away too. You can't react fast enough to dodge, so you leave it up to fate and block with your arm. Annnnnd holy fuck, your arm hurts like shit, as if you got fucking stabbed. OH WAIT. FUCK. The blade pierces the skin and leaves a FUCKING PLEASANT JESUS CHRIST gouge on your forearm. Luckily, the wound isn't too deep because it was an X-Acto knife but it's a stab wound nonetheless.
Carl restrains the man, pinning him down on the floor. The knife clatters to the ground, sliding on the polished wood. And with that, the bar resumes its normal activities. Maybe you're a little bitter, but can't these fucking clowns show a little bit of respect to the guy who just got stabbed?
Momiji leaves the kitchen, furrowing her brow in frustration. She must have heard the ruckus. Glancing upon your wound, she snarls and narrows her eyes. “What the fuck? Who did this shit to you? Should I whip somebody's ass?”
“Chill, Cook,” you groan, exhaling in an attempt to relieve the sharp pain from the wound. You point at the man being pinned down by Carl with your other hand. “The situation's already handled. Our bouncer has the assailant detained. As much as I would like to return the favor, I'm not allowed to do anything dumb as the manager. You should get back to work..”
“What the hell? Really?” Momiji, in clear frustration, kicks at the floor near the perpetrator, glaring at the man. “I'm not satisfied until I get an eye for an eye.”
“Listen, I'm not in the fucking mood to talk,” you seethe, perfectly wary of the blood trickling down your arm. Red dribble drips down to your pant leg. “Get back to the kitchen. Now.”
“...Fine,” Momiji mumbles in dissatisfaction, walking back to the kitchen in a silent rage. Honestly, you can't really blame her for being angry. You're plenty angry right now but as the manager, you have to stop this shitfest.
Lily, cowering under one of the chairs, meekly gets up. Her first response is to dip her head and hunch forward, like she did something wrong. “Are you alright, boss?”
You attempt to gesture with your hand but instead reel over one of the tables, muttering some obscenities because you had the fucking bright idea to move your arm. “No. I just got stabbed, but that's aside the point. I need you to do some things for me, Lily. First call the cops and detain this son of a bitch. Then go get me some disinfectant from the first aid cabinet. Peroxide's fine.”
“O-Okay,” she nods her head unsteadily. Her hands are shaking like shit. You really doubt she'll be able to do anything until she calms down.
Well then. “On second thought, ask Cassie to do said things. You sit down for ten minutes.”
“But–” she protests.
“Ten minutes, Lily.”
Her face is a mix of miserable and self-loathing but she complies, silently slinking away to go find Cassie.
You rest your arm, wound facing up on the table. You got a clear slice from your forearm and a clean stab below your wrists. Hopefully, the knife didn't horrifically destroy your arteries or some shit like that. The wound itself isn't too huge, but fuck if it doesn't ache.
Cassie comes in, Lily slinking behind her. In Cassie's hand is the dull brown peroxide bottle. “How's your hand, boss? Are your dreams as an aspiring artist dead? Will you never play the drums again? Are you going to die?”
“I'm dying but only on the inside,” you sigh, grabbing the bottle with your left hand. You decide to treat your wound right here and right now until the cops detain the man. Unscrewing the cap, you dab some peroxide on your wound. It's as pleasant as you expect it to be. “Fucking shit, that stings.”
You glance over to the perpetrator. The stabber-fucker has been surprisingly docile after the assault, remaining perfectly still under Carl's grasp. Maybe it's because the assailant realizes he'll be crushed instantaneously if he does anything stupid.
The cops take their leisurely time, arriving about twenty-five minutes after the incident. They immediately cuff the X-Acto knife man and send him into custody, chucking him into the car after Carl relinquishes him.
“Sorry for the mess,” you apologize to a familiar mustached cop. You've seen him around a lot – he handled all of the cases that the Morning Spirits Pub was involved with.
“The Morning Spirits Pub always brings activity to the law enforcement, doesn't it?” He nods curtly, motioning for another man to come closer to take pictures of your wound. “Could you tell me more about what happened?”
“I was stabbed. I don't have anything else to add other than it hurts like shit.” You never know how to act towards cops. You can't help but feel like a suspicious man working in a seedy bar. Working here, it only feels like a matter of time before you have a bad run-in with the police.
The cop sighs, loosening his tie. “I'm writing that in as your statement. Do you want to receive medical care?”
“Alright then. It's your funeral.” He dips his hat to you, “We'll be in touch.”
“We'll see.” Well then. If nothing else is happening, you'll work on that incident report. Or rather. “Lily.”
Your employee looks up from her seat. “Yes?”
“Have you calmed down?”
She takes a deep breath and nods. “Yeah.”
“Great. Because we have incidents to report.” The actual incident report is to be submitted to your boss, but your boss is well, nowhere to be found. Regardless, there is a procedure to this, no matter how fucking useless it is.
“...Yay,” she sulks.
Moving to the office, you look through the table cabinet until you find the appropriate file. Handing to Lily, you make a motion for her to write. “Time of incident: roughly 6:30 P.M. Perpetrator was a white male in their thirties, more or less. After a confrontation with the waitress, the man elevated conflict by assaulting the manager with an X-Acto knife. Injuries consist of one stab wound to the forearm to the manager. Are you keeping up, Lily?”
She shakes her head in exasperation. “Give me a moment, you're talking too fast!”
“No, you're writing too slow.” Despite your complaints, you give Lily a slight pause for her to catch up. A very slight one. “The bouncer handled the situation by disarming the man and pinning him down. Police came in and detained the man with the knife. Make sure to write down the date too.”
“Alright, it's done.”
“Good. Now you've learned how to make an incident report. Easy, right? I'm trusting you to make one by yourself when I inevitably die to crossfire in the pub.”
You shrug. “Anything else you'd like to add before I leave work early?”
“Actually... it's about Cook. I know it's a little sudden but I feel like you've been treating him differently than the rest of us. You seem more... I don't know, honest, with him. Is it because he is a guy?”
“Actually, Cook and I are getting gay married this spring.”
“Boooooss,” Lily whines, frantically pacing around the room. “I'm being serious!”
You sit her down, gently guiding her back to the chair. “Lily. Listen. I just got shanked but never mind me bleeding out as we speak in this office. I'm not gonna mince words with you. Cook works here under my supervision and so do you, Rylee, and Cassie. If you think I'm giving Cook special treatment... well, you're not wrong. But I give all of you special treatment because otherwise nobody would have been hired and this place would have burned down to the ground a long time ago. See, the problem is that I'm way too nice for my own good.”
“Boss...” she trails off. “Are you angry?”
“Lily,” you sigh, sitting down on the table. “I'm always angry. You should know this by now. But that's aside the point. I'm not actually sure what my point was in the first place but Cook is necessary for our pub to work. And so are you. Praise underemployment and local businesses like the Morning Spirits Pub. Now, if you excuse me, I have a date with some gauze.”
Walking out of the room, you faintly hear Lily protesting from the office but you ignore it and instead head towards the first aid cabinet. The interior is dusty and gross. However, it has something you need. You shove aside all the useless things inside and grab the gauze. You clip it together, wrapping it around your wound. It's not much, but it'll do for now.
From the back of the pub, you see Momiji throw off her apron and wipe the sweat from her forehead. “Man, the kitchen has no fucking air ventilation. I'm glad we're done for the day.”
“Heading home, Cook?” you ask, finally looking forward to what may be a stab-less night.
“Actually,” she points out. “Lily wants me to come along and drink with her. Told me just a little while ago. I said okay, because why not?”
You raise your eyebrows, thinking of the consequences of letting her drink with Lily... again. Well, you're not gonna think too hard. Whatever, it's not your business. “Okay then, have fun. I'll be heading out before I get stabbed again.”
You go back home and do what you should normally do after getting stabbed.
YOU (Gallus) have joined #thp Topic for #thp is “Welcome to #THP – The Hippo Potamus | UPDATE STATUS: TOMORROW, lol | MAGICAL BOYS | Archives: http://bit.ly/uwzY0Z | ROYAL RAINBOW! | LILY WHITE IS CRYING | <Neat> u're a fagot and not the gay kind Mode #THP +h Gallus by ChanServ <Gallus> guys I just got fucking stabbed <Anon221> lol <Neat> rekt <Anon221> neat, lets stab valley <Valley> plz no <BDC> I hope you die gallus <Gallus> thanks thp I can feel the love <Gallus> faggots <Qasta> Oh, I should update my 2hu list. I need to add the LoLK characters. <Anon221> lol, k <Bram> HAHA NOBODY'S MADE THAT JOKE BEFORE, LOL, LMAO <Anon221> l o l <Bram> shut up you mega nerd <Qasta> Also, what the fuck. I hate Mokou, but somehow she is in my top 15. <BDC> >not liking Mokou <Chireiden> Qast, how does it feel to have the shittiest of tastes?
Huh. You should probably do the Touhou sorter. You've got some time. Plus, you don't have work tomorrow. Even if you did, well... you'd probably not go. You could use getting stabbed as an excuse. Pulling up the Touhou sorting website, you mindlessly click through all the Touhous sans PC-98. You skip some, you click some, and then suddenly you realize that you've wasted at least an hour or two doing this piece of shit.
Annnnnnnnd what the fuck. Momiji's number one. Aya at number two. You fucking swear that you ranked Aya higher than Momiji. Maybe the wolf tengu's shit talking about Aya made you think less of her or something. But you still aren't sure why Momiji is first. The Touhou character, to be specific. Not the real life one. Touhou Momiji is nothing special, no offense to the real Momiji. Not the Touhou one.
Fuck, you're confusing yourself.
Your internal rambling is interrupted by your front door squeaking open. Momiji comes through the hall and into your room. Holy shit, speak of the devil. “Jesus Christ, I'm pretty sure I locked the door. How did you get in?”
“Magic,” she says, chuckling at her own joke. The scent of alcohol drifts into the room, presumably following Momiji.
“Listen, you smell like alcohol and you barged into my place without thinking about it. This is a crime.”
“What are you going to do about it?” she asks complacently, already invading your personal space by twirling your chair around. With you in it.
God dammit. You're going to have to bring in the big guns. “You're going to regret this, Momiji.”
“Okay, we'll see about that,” she laughs, throwing off her shoes and hat.
Fucking hell. “This is self defense, alright? You asked for this.”
[ ] The classic noogie. [ ] Attack her ears. No mercy. [ ] Pull her cheeks. [ ] Write in
>>62164 Argh, you motherfucker, because of you I've discovered that Touhou Sorter thing and now I'm going to wast entire hours on this shit aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[X] Attack her tail and ears. No mercy. Because this has more chances to end up in semi-drunken sex. Bah, who am I kidding, Gallagher is too much of a gentlemanly faggot to take advantage of a girl strong enough to fend off aggresive troublemakers in the bar.
You start with a simple attack, glancing at Momiji's sides. “You ticklish?”
Momiji twitches. Using her arms to shield her sides, she retreats a step back. She is definitely ticklish. “Not a chance in hell.”
You lunge at her, raising your arms to attack Momiji. She, in response, ducks and curls up to protect her ticklish sides, leaving her ears defenseless. Good. She didn't expect an attack from above. You make a feint, instead opting to reach over her head and ruffle her ears.
“Aaahaha~! Stooooop!” She squirms around and tries to wriggle free. But she's powerless now. You now have total control over her. Kind of. “Wait wait wait wait, you have no idea how sensitive they are!” Momiji eventually submits to you, kneeling on the floor in defeat.
“I win, don't I?” You can't resist a smug grin. “That'll show you, ya trespasser. Next time, think twice before barging into other people's homes. I now have power over you and your ears.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she shrugs, crossing her legs on the floor. Then, pausing for only a moment, Momiji flicks her ears, saying, “Be gentle with them... okay?” before bashfully smiling.
Aaaand now you've lost it. Dammit. Momiji is good. “Err, alright then.” You gingerly press your index fingers and thumbs against both of her ears, rubbing them back and forth. Her hair is rather soft, making you inclined to fluff her ears a little. You pet them like you would pet a dog. This is fucking awkward and you have nobody but yourself to blame for this blunder. However, you keep massaging her ears.
Wait. Massaging? Weren't you supposed to be attacking her? Dammit, how in the world did you get into this mess? Fuckin' Momiji.
She breathes a content sigh, relaxing her shoulders. You absentmindedly take a look at Momiji. Her face glows red in the light of your apartment. “It actually feels pretty nice.”
Well, you're not going to waste any time embarrassing her. “Momiji, you blushing?”
“I'm piss drunk, what do you think?” she grumbles. The wolf tengu shakes her head around in frustration before realizing that she won't get any massages until she stops moving around. So she allows herself one yawn and then keeps still, resting her head on your chest. “Okay. Keep going.”
You can smell the lingering scent of liquor on her, as well as Momiji herself. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. “Aaaaalright,” you drawl, moving her aside. “You need to leave now.”
“Why?” Momiji whines, rubbing her eyes drowsily.
“I'm tired as fuck. You're also tired as fuck. We have work to do tomorrow and I want to be well rested, for once. Please?”
“Yadda yadda, you're just making up excuses,” she huffs, obviously irritated that her massage stopped.
“I just want some sleep, okay?” you mutter crossly. “So thanks for visiting except not really, good night, bye, sleep tight, etcetera.”
You don't give her a chance to say anything else, guiding her outside and escorting her to her place. Wordlessly, you wave goodnight and head straight back to your place, shutting off the lights and throwing yourself on the bed.
When you wake up, you feel... oddly stiff. Like something is pressing up against your arm. You roll over and bump into someone. Goddammit, it's fucking Momiji. She's curled up in your bed, using your arm as a pillow. “Didn't I tell you to leave?”
She stirs, yawning as she rouses from her slumber. “Good morning to you too.”
It's about 7 A.M. Damn. There's no time to complain. “Go clean up, we're heading out to work. Use your own shower, please.” You kick Momiji out and get in the shower, throw on shampoo, rinse, and get out.
You wait an extra five minutes for Momiji. Thankfully, she didn't take forever. The two of you will still make it on time to work.
“So,” she starts. Already, you know that she's going to say something stupid. “I didn't think you'd take advantage of a drunk girl.”
“Listen, I'm pretty sure telling a drunk girl to get out and leave isn't taking advantage of her. Especially when said drunk girl comes back and sneaks inside my home afterward.”
“Oh. Oops?” Momiji dismisses the issue. “I shouldn't have drank that much last night.”
You can't say that you're not interested. But at the same time, it's none of your business. Eh, whatever. “...Go on.”
Momiji continues. “Lily said drinks were on her. I didn't refuse because I am not one to say no to free alcohol.”
“I don't think that's a healthy lifestyle, Momiji.” She glares at you. You don't care. “So she just dragged you along to some bar?”
“Yeah,” she shrugs. “And after a few drinks, we talked for a while. I did most of the listening though. Lily poured her drunk heart out to me.”
Uh. You stop her before she can explain, holding a hand up to her face. “Is this something that I should know?”
“Well, most of it is about you, you know.” Momiji fails to suppresses her cheeky smile. The fucker.
Momiji laughs, patting your back. “She asked me if you were gay.”
“...What.” You recall the last few incidents with Lily, excluding the little stabbing session you had the other day. She probably had her suspicions when Momiji and you went to go buy a bed together. Aaaand, probably when you told her you're getting gay married to Momiji. Welp. “That makes sens– what did you tell her?”
“She thought I was a guy, so I just played along.” She chuckles to herself, smirking. “I was a bit drunk, so I just told her that we're getting gay married this spring.”
Oh no. You have made a terrible fucking mistake. “Jesus Christ, Momiji do you know what you have just done? How did she react?”
“Don't remember. After that, the entire night was just a big blur until I reached your place.”
Well then. “Fuck, now Lily thinks I'm gay or something now.”
Momiji rolls her eyes. “I'm sure she knew I was joking. I wasn't being serious at all.”
“Yeah, but you know, I told her the same exact thing that same day.”
And Momiji, with all her wisdom, replies, “So?” She adjusts her cap, poking out her ears only for a second.
'So?' indeed. You have to think about it. “Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm overreacting. So what if Lily thinks I'm gay? What's that going to change?”
She shakes her head, raising her arms up in exasperation. “You poor sap. You don't know anything.” Momiji places her hand on her right hip. “You realize that Lily has a thing for you, right?”
Hahaha no way.
Fuck. “...Are you serious?”
“You're really bad at this, aren't you, Gallagher?”
“Man, I'm too busy trying not to keep the bar from going under.”
The two of you reach the bar and proceed to open business. Your employees all arrive in one way or another. Lily, nursing her headache, comes in last, and proceeds to take a nap on the counter. You'll allow her five minutes before the customers arrive.
But what should you do about the misunderstanding?
[ ] Let her think what she wants [ ] Clear up the misunderstanding [ ] Get Momiji to explain
You'd better clear it up – the only thing that's worse than a misunderstanding is a misunderstanding about you. Too bad Lily's passed out on the table. You allow her all five of her precious minutes of sleep. She needs it. When the first wave of customers start to pass through the entrance, you gently but reluctantly shake her awake.
Lily stirs, wearily lifting her head up from the table. Her left cheek has an imprint of the table on it. “Urgh.”
“Feeling better, sunshine? You know, I trust you as your employer, but next time do try and drink in moderation. Working hungover is terrible, trust me. I don't think you need me to tell you that.”
“I have many regrets right now,” she sulks, rubbing her temples vigorously. She hangs her head down in defeat. “I'm sorry, boss.”
“Whatever. We all make terrible decisions every once in a while. Just don't let it affect work too much. And uh.” You should probably clear up the misunderstanding now. Yeah. “Just for the record, I am not gay and no, I am not getting gay married in spring, and no, I am definitely not getting gay married in spring to Cook.”
“Oh,” she mumbles, stifling a yawn.
“Cook takes time out of their day to say shit like that, just to bother me.” Normally, you wouldn't really care about shit like this but when your sexual identity is in question, you have to clear up the misunderstanding. “Anyway, I'll be heading into the back office. Tell me if the bar needs manning.”
And with that, you can finally relax in the office for a little while. Or so you thought. The door creaks open, interrupting your half second of rest. It's Momiji, Dammit. “What do you want?”
“You haven't eaten yet, right?” She shuffles in, waving around some chicken and rice. The pub serves chicken and rice? Man, the menu's gotten a lot better since Momiji arrived.
“Get back to work,” you sigh, needlessly shuffling around paperwork. You mull over the misunderstanding that she perpetuated from your little joke before. Everything just has to fucking bite you in the ass.
“Rude.” She scoffs, handing you the plate. “I was only here to throw you some food for the day. It's on the house.”
“That's not for you to decide.” You're the one in charge here. Well. Not like you actually care. “And before you leave. I have a question. You didn't tell Lily that you're not a guy?”
“Didn't seem important,” shrugs Momiji. “Plus, I thought it'd be funnier if I told her I was a guy.” She lowers her eyes, shoving her smug grin closer to your face. “Why, do you care?”
[ ] “Actually, I do.” [ ] “Not particularly.” [ ] “I don't know. Do you care?”
>>62362 [X]"Well if you compare you and me, it's obvious you're the better catch, especially with your cooking skills, and you work with a bunch of single girls so if you really want all that female attention..."
[X]"Well if you compare you and me, it's obvious you're the better catch, especially with your cooking skills, and you work with a bunch of single girls so if you really want all that female attention..."
Not necessarily worded like this.
But we must make her aware that she is an attractive man.
“Not describing topless Momiji is a crime.” - Various, IRC. 2015. Not canon, obviously. ----
You wake to a shuffling in your room. Various thoughts run through your sluggish mind – profanities, mostly. You stare at the clock. It's godawful 7:27 A.M. Damn it all. Every fucking day, something has to come and ruin it for you. Slapping the lights on, your vision adjusts to Momiji unbuttoning her shirt. She's wearing pretty much nothing else. “Momiji,” you groan, instantly turning to face away from her. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
She, with little sense of shame or privacy, replies all-too-innocently, “Undressing.” The tengu inches closer with deliberate steps. You can imagine her grin right now and it irritates you to no end.
“God dammit, Momiji, that doesn't answer my question. Why are you undressing in my fucking room?” You are not letting her have her way again. “We've already done this a few updates ago.”
“Hey,” she remarks crossly, “it's your fault you didn't do your job as a narrator.”
“I'm not going to look, you know that?” You decide to examine a blotch of misapplied paint on the wall.
“Well, if you say so. Even though you can't see me unbuttoning my shirt all the way, enough to expose the contours of my humble breasts.” Momiji snickers. She is no doubt pleased with herself for doing this.
“Momiji, what the hell are you doing?”
She pays you no mind and instead narrates herself undressing in a low voice, “'A shame,' you think to yourself, refusing to turn around to catch a glimpse of my bare shoulders and lovely collarbone.”
Momiji won't beat you. Not this time. Moving closer to the wall, you reply, “You're terrible.”
“And in the light of the morning, you'd see curves you didn't notice before. Curves on my hips that slightly toss the front of the shirt with their shape. Curves that are shown and accentuated due to a lack of pants.”
You wait until she's finished talking. Once she stops, you finally ask her, “Are you done, Momiji?”
“Just about.” Momiji turns you around, wrapping her arm around your shoulder. She's fit in her baggy blue hoodie and even baggier black shorts. Her previously mentioned curves are nowhere in sight. “Pretty cute, don't you think?”
“No,” you sigh, slapping her arm off you. “Let's just get to work already.”
“I don't know. Do you care?” You deflect the question back to her, thinking about a proper answer in the meantime. Well, do you? You're not actually sure. On one hand, it has caused you some grief. You already have all of THP calling you a faggot. On the other hand... uh. You don't have the slightest clue what's on the other hand.
“Not at all!” She lingers around the door, about ready to leave the office. Still has her fucking smug smile though. “That is, unless you do.”
“I don't care anymore,” you sigh. If you think too hard about this shit, the only thing you'll get from it is an aneurysm. “Just get back to work.”
“Was planning on it, boss~” She gives you one last wave before exiting the office.
Man. You should really learn to deal with her better. She's been getting the better of you lately. Where is the Momiji that couldn't figure out how to use her keys? You would be more frustrated at her, but you know that you're the one at fault. At least you have some work to quell your irritation. It's a Friday, which means paycheck day. Or rather, it means figuring out who did how many hours in a very shitty game of assorting post-its. It would be easier if your boss were ever fucking here. God dammit, where is he?
You suppose you'll take the rest of the afternoon sorting out your notes. Maybe you should actually organize a system where you don't write out extra hours on post-its cluttered all over the desk. You know you should, but laziness gets the better of you.
A series of loud knocks interrupts you from your work. Cassie comes waltzing in, waving hello. “Hi hi, boss. What's going on?”
God dammit, does nobody do work here? “Cassie, get back to work.” At this point, it's more of a reflex than an actual verbal response.
“It's a slow day.” She aimlessly walks around the office, examining your stapler with great interest as she walks by. “Whatcha doing, boss?”
“Working out paychecks,” you respond, assorting all the post-it notes according to employee name.
“Oh, right.” Cassie drops the stapler back onto the table and does a little stretch, throwing out a goofy grin. “Is it already Friday?”
“Yeah.” Sometimes you wonder how she even manages to get to work in one piece. She's perpetually lost in her own world. “If you don't need me at the bar, I'm going to work this mess out.”
“Need help?” Cassie offers, extending her hand to the mess that is your table.
“No thanks, I got this.” You finally gather up all the post-its by name and can start reading over how many additional shifts each employee took. Eyeing Cassie, you motion for her to exit the premises. “Move along now.”
“Okays.” Cassie obediently turns around and leaves the office without an extra remark, disappearing as fast as she came.
You spend the rest of the evening figuring out everybody's individual paychecks, including your own. Completely illegal, by the way, but it has to be done because both your fucking boss and co-manager are still missing. You wouldn't dare give yourself extra though, mostly because fraud is a fucking bitch. It's also immoral, but that's not as important.
By the time you're done with your work, all the customers are starting to file out. Looks like it's almost closing time. Your employees are, thankfully, still here. “Good work, everyone. Let's try to keep this shithole alive another week.” You throw everyone their respective paychecks.
“Yaay, money!” Lily clutches her paycheck close to her chest, savoring the fruit of her labor. Rylee, with nothing to say, pockets her own and nods at you before she leaves the bar. Figures.
“Time to spend it all the first day, right?” Cassie laughs, amused at her own joke. Then, disappearing into the kitchen, Cassie drags Momiji out of the kitchen, pulling at her sleeve. “Here, Cook, you too!”
Momiji's visibly confused. She blinks a couple of times before uttering, “Uh, what?”
You dangle her paycheck in front of her. “Your money, Cook. You did an impressively unshitty job. Keep up the good work. And with that, everybody's dismissed. Have a nice night.”
Lily raises her hand. “Can we–”
“No,” you interject. “You can't. Dismissed.”
Your employees, sans Momiji, all leave the bar with their newly acquired money. You're pretty sure bad fiscal decisions will be made today. Oh well. You'll take this time alone to fix yourself a drink at the bar. You need one. Pouring yourself some scotch, you mutter a toast to yourself.
Momiji comes along with a couple of sandwiches on a plate. “Want some?”
You nod, shoving one into your mouth wordlessly. Ham and salami... not bad at all. Realizing your guard is down, Momiji swipes your drink and downs it in one go.
What the shit.
And the tengu, with the widest grin you've ever fucking seen, replies, “You look like you need a drink.”
“You absolute fuck,” you seethe, filled with a brewing rage at the sudden loss of alcohol. Your alcohol.
“As thanks for my paycheck, here.” She takes another shot glass from the back. One for you, presumably. “Cheers?”
“Come on, I'm sorry~ I'll it make it up to you, I promise. Here,” Momiji insists, handling the scotch. She puts on her best puppy-dog eyes, waggling the glass in front of you. “I'll pour you another?”
[ ] “Then pour me a lot.” [ ] “Alright. Pour me a cup.” [ ] “I can pour myself, thank you.”
Shaking your head, you jab your glass at her, tipping the cup slightly enough for her to pour you some. You eye the single malt decanter expectantly, awaiting your alcohol. “Then pour me a lot, thank you.”
“Heh, I knew you couldn't resist,” Momiji beams, serving you a heavy shot before pouring herself some as well. She raises her glass, prompting you to do the same. The glasses clink sharply in the silence of the empty pub, echoing through the night. “Cheers,” she says, taking a sip.
You, on the other hand, down the entire shot and exhale in weary relief. The strength of the scotch warms your chest. And for a minute, you let the alcohol course through your veins to soak in the good feeling. You almost forget that you're drinking scotch neat with a tengu. “So,” you exhale, taking a moment to collect yourself. “How goes things, 'Cook'?”
Momiji chuckles at her nickname, taking another sip of her scotch. Before she replies, she pours some more for you. “You know. Same old, same old. People complaining about food, people complaining about their lives. At times, I feel like our customers just make up excuses to come talk to me about every little problem they have.” She slouches over, arms flat on the table. “Isn't it weird for people to antagonize you over something as petty as the relative size of a chicken plate?”
“No.” You're not going to sugarcoat it for Momiji. People are shitty and you expect no less than the worst from everyone. “If people can find a way to hate something, then they will because humanity's a piece of shit. Such is life.”
Momiji uprights herself in her seat to finish the rest of her scotch. She smiles, but it's only a halfhearted one, her lips curlingjust barely up. “I wonder if people will ever find happiness in a place like this. Looking for material pleasure, wasting their lives away to drink before the day even begins.”
“Man, there will be people who will never be happy. Ever. The closest thing they have is alcohol.” You grab the scotch and pour both yourself and Momiji another. “So here's to alcohol.”
“...Makes me appreciate Gensokyo a bit more, haha.” She takes her shot in one go, wincing as the alcohol passes through.
“Fuck humanity, right?” You match Momiji, drinking the rest of your scotch.
“Yeah!” she laughs, patting you on the back. The tengu quickly pours herself another, smirking at you. Before you can get some more, she takes her shot in one go. “Well, you're okay, I guess.”
“Whatever,” you groan, beginning to feel the alcohol buzzing in your system. “You're okay, too.”
“You're okay-er!” Momiji stands up and pulls you closer, swinging you back and forth in her grasp. She merrily hooks her arm around your shoulder, though her grip on you is more a choke hold than a friendly hug.
“Momiji,” you cough, “get off me.”
She wraps her arms around you. “It's too late. I've already committed. There's no stopping me now~”
You want to say that she's being affectionate right now, but you know she's teasing you because you're bad with shit like this. So you decide to play just a little dirty. “Remember when I asked you that you weren't ticklish, right?” You fake a jab at her sides and Momiji reels back, almost crashing over a chair.
“Oh... so you're playing like that, huh?” Momiji crouches down, ready to pounce. And before you know it, she tackles you... or so you thought. What you initially predicted to be an attack was... a hug. It thankfully was one that allowed you to breathe. She squeezes you, burying herself in your chest. You try and wriggle free, but she nestles up closer to keep you from running away.
“Okay, fine,” you tap out, acknowledging that Momiji had won the battle. But she doesn't let you go. “You've made your point already. You win.” Still, she refuses to release you. “Momiji?” You give her a nudge and as a result she almost crashes to the floor, forcing you to catch her. She passed out mid-hug. “Fuck me,” you mutter to yourself. You set Momiji aside, propping her up against the chair. Her mischievous smile is gone, instead replaced with a sleepy one. She looks so peaceful. Kinda cute too, from an angle. Maybe. If you look really close.
You're going to blame alcohol for all these thoughts in your head. You throw Momiji over your shoulder and make your way back home. This is the second time you're going to be carrying her back to her place. Well, you're okay with this – you held your own against a tengu. That should count for something. You're not even that drunk.
Then, you became painfully aware of your inebriation as you trip over a crack on the sidewalk and almost slam the wolf tengu to the ground. You overhear a snicker from behind. Momiji does her best to keep silent, but you know better than that.
[ ] Call her out on her ploy. [ ] Play along with her little game. For now.
You'll play along with her silly little game... for now. This time, though, you have the upper hand. Shifting your weight to slip Momiji down from your shoulder, you drop her to your arms. You don't actually remember where you are going with this. And... now you have Momiji in a princess carry. In that moment, you painfully realize that it is pretty fucking weird to carry another (alleged) dude in your arms in the middle of the night. Well, whatever. It's too late to stop now.
A few blocks after your initial whatever-you-did, your arms start to sink, forcing you to pull Momiji closer to support her weight. Man, who knew that alcohol made you such a wimp? On the bright side, there's only a few more blocks until you reach the apartment. You decide to not push your luck and keep a slow and steady pace, even if it means awkwardly holding Momiji for a little bit longer. You wish she'd pretend to wake up so you don't have to suffer through this. Knowing her, she's probably laughing to herself right now.
You finally make it to the last stretch: the stairs leading to the second floor. Nice and easy. Arms full with the wolf tengu, you take it slow, going up step by step. You teeter over the last step, hurdling over the damn thing to reach Momiji's door. Still un-fucking-locked. Goddamn it all.
You get the door open with your left elbow and ready yourself. It's time to show her who's boss. “Momiji,” you whisper, swinging your arms slowly to get some momentum.
“Mmmh?” she mumbles, creaking open her eyes in fake slumber.
“I knew you were awake, ya idiot.” Then, channeling all your strength, you chuck her onto the mattress full speed, causing the wolf tengu to fly unhindered. She tumbles through the sheets, bouncing twice before settling down. You can't help but add in, “No free rides, please.”
“Rude,” she replies, rubbing her eyes. Momiji deliberately stretches her arms, staring at you all the while. “Gally. I have a great idea.”
She throws her hat off, flinging it away. “We should have a sleepover.”
No,” you repeat. You don't have the energy to play along anymore. “Momiji. I just want to have a night where I can sleep off the alcohol in the warmth of my own bed. No disturbances. No person to do drunken sleepovers with. You understand, right?”
“So... sleepover?” she quips.
“Go the fuck to sleep,” you sigh.
“Then,” she snickers, unraveling the covers enough to pop her head out from them. “A goodnight kiss on the cheek?”
You remain quiet. Then, without a word, you briskly walk over to her mattress, inching up close to her face. You stay still for maybe two or three seconds. Leaning into her ear to whisper, you gently say, “No.” Pulling back immediately, you offer her one last question. “Anything else?”
“...no,” she murmurs, pulling the sheets completely over her head. “Haha, you got me good~”
“Fantastic,” you say, letting a drunken, sleepy stupor wash over you. “Night, Momiji.”
Somehow, you are able to make it to your bed. The details are not important. You are just glad that you made it back in one piece. You worry for your head tomorrow, but at least you don't have to deal with work. The pub's closed on Saturdays, thankfully. For now, you'll sleep.
Jesus. You don't remember exactly when you woke up, but it was around holy shit I need water o'clock. You make a dash to the sink, lapping up some water from the faucet to appease your dry throat. No splitting headache. Good. Right now, you're feeling pretty damn sluggish but well rested. Not too bad, considering you drank with a tengu. She probably held back. You don't care. That being said, you should go check up on Momiji. You really doubt that she's in any serious trouble, but no harm in checking. You unlock your door and step outside. Rain's starting up. It's not a drizzle, but it's not a storm either.
You throw on a jacket and walk to your neighbor's door, giving it a quick knock. Your hair's probably unkempt as hell but you couldn't give less of a shit. Nobody responds. Man. Every time you decide to open her door, you always end up regretting it. And you'll never learn. You open the door and step inside. “Momiji.”
But she's nowhere to be found. Where the hell is she?
...Wait. Oh, shit. Today's Saturday. Nobody works Saturday. You never told Momiji that nobody works Saturday. You dash back to your place, snatching an umbrella, and head straight to the Morning Spirits Pub.
Lo and fucking behold, Momiji's standing at the entrance, presumably waiting to tell her that she's an idiot. “Momiji,” you call to her. “I'm an idiot.”
“Hi to you, too.” She smiles, looking genuinely grateful that you've arrived.
Fuck. “Ugh. Okay, I'm really sorry but there's no work today. I forgot to tell you yesterday because I was busy drinking my ass off.”
She shrugs. “Don't worry about it.” Upon spotting your umbrella, Momiji's eyes light up and she runs underneath the cover. “Well, this is nice, too.” Since the umbrella is small, her soggy hoodie drips water all over your jacket.
“Momiji stop this umbrella's not big enough for the both of us. Nobody's gonna be happy with this- Jesus, you're getting me soaked.”
“Aww,” she coos, snuggling up against you. She wraps her arm around your shoulder, her hoodie sleeve dripping water all over your clothes. “No need to be shy~”
[ ] She isn't getting your umbrella. [ ] Begrudgingly let her in and make a big deal out of it. [ ] You're soaked, she's soaked, and nobody's getting the umbrella.
[x] You're soaked, she's soaked, and nobody's getting the umbrella.
Mutual Assured Soaking.
On a sidenote, Momiji is at least 70 years old judging by her interview back in 1963 in SoPM, make of that what you will as Gallus stoically brushes off the flirting of somebody WHO PEOPLE IN THE FANDOM WOULD PAY ANYTHING TO EVEN SEE IN THE FLESH.
>>62490 Or maybe it's because they've known each other for a fucking week and maybe Gallus doesn't want to get in a relationship with someone who he really barely fucking knows. Jesus christ. [X] Soaks for all Fuck everything.
There's just no way to win, is there? You begrudgingly extend the umbrella to her side. “Alright, alright, just get your fucking arm off me. You're getting me all soaked.”
She pulls you in closer, skipping alongside you inside the umbrella. “Well, it's not like you're going to get any wetter than this!”
“You're a shit, you know that, Momiji?” You eye the tengu. The girl's hoodie is completely drenched – there's no saving her now from the rain. “Man. How long have you been waiting at the Morning Spirits?”
She mulls over the question, counting invisible numbers in her head. “About two hours or so? I'm not entirely sure.”
“Well, fuck.” You're feeling like a piece of shit now. You probably should have let her known that there was no work today. You also probably should have not agreed to drink with a tengu, but that's another matter. “Sorry about that again.”
“No big deal,” shrugs Momiji. She pats you on the back. Now your back is all wet. God dammit. “What's an hour or two of my time? I'm used to it.”
“Oh yeah?” You raise an eyebrow.
“Yeah.” Momiji puffs out her chest in pride, beaming at you. “As Chief Guard, It wasn't unusual to hold day-long posts at the waterfall. Two hours is nothing.”
“You looking for some praise?” you ask, shaking your head at her.
“Nah, just an umbrella with a nice guy underneath.” The wolf tengu takes one look at you and giggles. “Well, you'll have to do.”
“Good one,” you deadpan, “Maybe you should just quit your job now and go work as a comedian. And just so you know, the nice guys are three towns over.”
“Yes, but do they have umbrellas, Gally?” laughs Momiji. She pulls off her hood and shakes off the rain from her hair, sending droplets flying. “Water everywhere~”
“Really? I didn't notice at all.” You definitely didn't get hit by the collateral of water that was sent your way. You wipe your face with the sleeve of your jacket. “...I can't wait to get home.”
As soon as you get to the apartment, you rush up the stairs and unlock your door, scrambling inside. You throw off your jacket. Thankfully, your shirt is still relatively dry, so all that's left is to change your pants. And Momiji, being the fuckwad she is, walks into your place without so much as a god damn knock.
“What the fuck!?” you yell, scrambling for some shorts. “Can't you at least give some warning before you barge into my home?”
“Oops.” Momiji, getting water all over the floor, closes the door behind her. “Also, if it's not too much trouble, could I use your shower?”
“You say that, shutting my door. Don't you have your own?”
She nods, giving you a toothy grin. “Yeah, but your room is closer.”
“You live one door away, you dumbass.” Grumbling to yourself, you throw her a towel. “Just hurry up. You're getting water all over the place.”
“Alright. Thanks, Gally!” The tengu giddily hurries into the bathroom, frantically undressing on the way. She doesn't close the door. Irritated, you close the damn thing for her. Momiji is out of control.
You'll probably take a shower after her – some warm water might be nice. In your rush to go find Momiji, you completely forgot to wash up and now you feel pretty disgusting. In the meantime, though...
YOU (Gallus) have joined #thp Topic for #thp is “Welcome to #THP – The Hole Preferred | WELCOME TO THWAP | MAGICAL FAGS | Archives: http://bit.ly/uwzY0Z | ROYAL RAINBOW! | ❄ LETTY IS COMING ❄ | <Valley> fuck I always forget to factor in lesbians. Mode #THP +h Gallus by ChanServ <Bram> Okay so No is a breddy gud <Qasta> oh shit what part are you on? <Bram> Area 45 <Marol> that part is legitimately best chapter hands down <Gallus> wow the title reeks of shitty indie game <Captain> It's actually pretty good, despite the constant shills by jew reviewers. <Viridian> Sup Gallactacus. Haven't seen you in a while. <Neat> yeah. <Anon221> >gallactacus <Anon221> ww <Neat> we were going to hold a funeral for you. <Gallus> whoa, it's Viridian. you gonna update your story ever again? <BDC> okay, so what the fuck is a “no”? <Viridian> Yeah. I decided I should get off my ass and write again. <Qasta> no <Bram> no video games <Gallus> sounds good. Rumia needs more love anyhow <BDC> no video games? <Valley> no as in no or no as in “no”? <BDC> ok valley <Bram> when was the last time valley even said anything relevant? <Valley> ow. <Qasta> No as in “No: the video game” kind of no. <Buttlord> Viridian, what story? <Viridian> The Inner Monologue of Rumia: Rumianations. <Buttlord> Ok, I'll check it out. <Captain> “No” is the title of the game. <BDC> oh, that's what you meant. Thanks, capt. <Qasta> Bram did you get to the part where you fight the boss in 451? <Bram> not yet. When does it happen? <Qasta> you'll see <Captain> Qasta isn't it great when you brutally sacrifice your party member? <Qasta> [inner screaming intensifies] <Chireiden> the moment you realize the hydra has the same attributes as your sacrificed party member <Chireiden> true fucking terror <Captain> >scan hydra >description of your old party member
Topic for #thp is “Welcome to #THP – The Hole Preferred | SPOILER ZONE: DOUBLE SPOILER | MAGICAL FAGS | Archives: http://bit.ly/uwzY0Z | ROYAL RAINBOW! | ❄ LETTY IS COMING ❄ | <Valley> fuck I always forget to factor in lesbians. Topic set by Valley!~Valley@the.valley
<ShinraCo> hahaha valley <Valley> WE SPOILERS NOW <Bram> oh. <Bram> holy shit what the fuck did I do? <Qasta> IT'S HAPPENING <Chireiden> hydra time <Bram> wait WHAT <Qasta> get ready bram for best fight <Bram> WHOA WHAT THE HELL <Captain> isn't it great? <Bram> I never wanted this <Marol> yeah I liked that part so much <Anon221> wow marol spoilers <Marol> what how is that spoilers <Anon221> SPOILERS <Captain> We CIA now. <Neat> entering classified territory <Rolan> ok unrelated but vo2 has the worst fucking p2w scheme. This is why MMOs are dead. <Rolan> Gacha for gear has to be the most unbelievably retarded thing ever. Ryn (cgiirc@Rizon-CA04457.verizon.com) has joined. <Ryn> Hey, anybody want to have a look at my story before I post it? <Bram> [spoiler]fuck why did I choose Lyrre to sacrifice she was a qt[spoiler] <Gallus> fuck it. yeah, why not. <Gallus> Ryn: send it over
Well. From a cursory glance, it's... pretty fucking terrible. The plot is all over the place, the grammar is poorly constructed, and you don't give a flying fuck about the protagonist. But... it's not all bad. The protagonist definitely has flaws, sure, but he's no shithead Gary Stu.
[ ] Give Ryn the whole spiel. Tell them it's shit and why it's shit. [ ] Proofread and proofread only – your opinion doesn't mean squat. [ ] Feed the story to the wolves.
[x] Give Ryn the whole spiel. Tell them it's shit and why it's shit. -[x]And perhaps have Momiji see the shitty story, too. Literally feed it to the wolf. -[x]"Oh dear, this is so bad that I'm going to have to feed it to the wolf next door."
Awoo is for: [x] Getting into fights with [x] Dates at the batting cages [x] Watching cheesy movies under the blankets [x] Teasing her and laughing when she gets mad and pouts [x] Letting her pin you so you can feel her body pressed against yours [x] Flipping her back over so that you can stare into each other's eyes [x] Protecting her from rowdy bar patrons even though you know she can handle herself [x] Walking home with her at sunset after a long day of dealing with all the shit that happens at the bar [x] Having her sample your new cocktail creations and watching her flush red [x] Throwing her a victory barbeque where you make all her favorite foods [x] Massaging her legs, shoulders, and back [x] Holding her close and telling her you love her [x] Reassuring her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world when she gets jealous of the more feminine girls [x] Accepting all of her girlish sensibilities, no matter how much she hates you finding out about them [x] Patting her head [x] Getting caught in the rain during a cross country run and having to huddle together with her under an abandoned bus stop waiting for it to pass [x] Holding her hand in public [x] Making her try on cute dresses when you're out on a date even though you know she'll never buy one [x] Buying her sexy black lace lingerie, only for her to wear spats over them [x] Fluffing her fluffy ears [x] Touching her fluffy tail [x] Playing shogi together in the evening light [x] Sharing a whiskey on a snowy night [x] Tracing your finger over the tanlines she got during the summer and feeling how warm her skin is [x] Having her jump into your arms and kiss you after spending time apart over vacation [x] Introducing her to your parents [x] Marriage [x] Carrying her over the threshold of your new home to start a life together while she punches you in the shoulder and pouts that its more appropriate she carry you [x] Laughing together as she jokes that you're her "wife" [x] Gently laying her down on the bed [x] Whispering into her ear how much she means to you while caressing her toned body [x] Spending an entire night making passionate love to each other [x] Raising a new generation of awoos with [x] Loving unconditionally as you grow old together
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<Gallus> okay let me give you the rundown <Gallus> >you wake up in gensokyo <Gallus> that shit is not original, it's not interesting, and it's definitely not funny even if you're trying to use it ironically. <Gallus> also, keep everything in one tense. If you're going to set it in past tense, make sure you follow through with that shit. <Gallus> is your protagonist a fucking time traveler or what because he's going through so many tenses he could be a god damn chrono-wizard. <Ryn> Okay, sorry. <Gallus> don't even get me started with parallelism and ambiguous pronouns <Ryn> My bad... <Gallus> That being said. Your protagonist has flaws and that's a good thing. I can see what direction you're going to take. <Gallus> what you need to do is polish your story. take this piece of shit and polish it until it's a shiny piece of shit. <Gallus> take your time improving your post and if you need someone to look over your stuff (and yell at you) ask whenever i'm on irc. <Ryn> Alright. <Ryn> Thanks boss.
Momiji peeks her head out from your bathroom. “Gally, I just realized. I don't have a change of clothes.” Her bare shoulder just barely protrudes out from the door, forcing you to turn away immediately.
“Go change,” you reply gruffly. “Your apartment's right next door.”
She murmurs a soft, “Oh.” Momiji ponders her options, tapping her finger on her chin. Then, with a mischievous grin creeping up her face, she asks, “Is that a challenge?”
“It's not really a–”
“Challenge accepted.” She ducks back into the bathroom, slamming the door shut. In seconds, Momiji, clad only in a white towel, comes rushing out through the hallway and to the front door. She creaks the door open slightly, glancing left and right. When the coast is clear, she makes a mad dash to her place, even if the distance is only a single door away.
What an idiot. You sigh. Momiji really takes the energy straight out of you. But now that she's gone, you can finally take your shower. When you step into the bathroom, you spot her wet hoodie and... everything else she wore hung neatly on the towel rack. You don't even care anymore. You leave your clothes in the dry corner of the bathroom and take a long, warm shower.
Your lethargy gets the best of you. At some point, you gave in and took a nap under the warm water. The only sleep that comes naturally to you is the kind that sneaks up on you in the shower. You are not sure how to feel about that. You quickly dry yourself and enter your room, ready to throw yourself at your chair and do nothing for the rest of the day. But Momiji's already sitting in your chair, typing away at your keyboard.
“Momiji,” you start, walking up hesitantly to the screen. “What are you doing?”
She, in a completely serious tone, replies, “I'm correcting misguided people on the internet.”
“That's a phrase that never ends well.” You take a look at the monitor. Looks like a normal shitpost in /blue/ - wait, holy fuck she went and shitposted in THP. Oh shit, did she do it in your trip? She didn't. Thank fucking god. You glance at her post on the Touhou waifu thread.
|>>22453 MAN THAT AYA SURE IS A SHIT BITCHIEST CHARACTER AND A STUCK UP KNOW-IT-ALL REPORTER THAT DOESN'T DO HER JOB
And then she inadvertently started a waifu war. Not like THP needed Momiji to instigate this. But it's not over. Momiji's moving onto bigger and better things, like IRC.
...Oh god, a Touhou is invading IRC.
YOU (Cook) have joined #thp Topic for #thp is “Welcome to #THP – The Hole Preferred | SPOILER ZONE: DOUBLE SPOILER | MAGICAL FAGS | Archives: http://bit.ly/uwzY0Z | ROYAL RAINBOW! | ❄ LETTY IS COMING ❄ | <Valley> fuck I always forget to factor in lesbians. <Qasta> okay but honestly, I'd fuck Aya but marry her? Definitely not waifu material. <ShinraCo> no, Aya is a total cutie who'd probably not be good at showing her love for you but still pines for your affection <Cook> More like Aya is a total SHIT whose only joy is to annoy the fuck out of everyone. <BDC> wow I hope you're kidding Aya is love <Anon221> >more like aya is a total SHIT <Anon221> ww i like you already <Bram> okay who the fuck is Cook and why do they have terrible taste? <Buttlord> Aya is clearly inferior tengu. <Captain> http://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2135013 Aya's okay. I'd take her out to dinner and hold hands. <Gero-chan> shameimaru aya (touhou) drawn by six (fnrptal1010) - Danbooru [Safe] <Qasta> would fug <Valley> captain you're disgusting <Neat> First time seeing them. <Cook> Hahaha you want to fuck a picture <Cook> That'll never happen you dork! <Cook> Aya isn't real! <ShinraCo> pls ur crushin my dreams <BDC> Cook is gallus 2.0 someone make it stop lol <Anon221> irnoic shitposting is still shitposting <Buttlord> Cook, can we talk to you about our lord and savior awoo? <Buttlord> Momiji a cute and has fluffy tail. <Cook> Yes. Tell me more about how Momiji is the best wolf tengu. <Neat> awoo~ <Rolan> post qt awoos <Bram> >best wolf tengu <Bram> she's the only wolf tengu though <Cook> That doesn't mean Momiji's not the best wolf tengu. <Cook> Also what is an awoo? <BDC> that reasoning <BDC> literally gallus tier
It's actually scary how fast Momiji learns. She already figured out how to mess with IRC. She knows how to use the word, “nerd” in proper context. And worst of all, she's sitting there with this big fucking grin like she accomplished something.
You aren't sure whether to praise her or give her shit. She leans forward in your chair, ears perking up in eager anticipation of what you have to say. Her pink hoodie rises and falls to the rhythm of her breathing. Momiji's hoodie is, for once, surprisingly not baggy. Her tail sticks out, swishing idly in measured movement. With the hoodie and the shorts she's wearing, you can clearly tell she's not a guy. Her features are definitely feminine. Her hips more so.
...You are a fucking terrible human being. “For one,” you begin, distracting yourself, “you told them that 'Aya isn't real.' Aren't you real? Don't you know Aya?”
“Well, yeah,” she laughs, twirling around in your chair.
“And what?” Momiji blinks, apparently surprised by your follow-up question.
“You know what – never mind.” You won't bother. You'll only give yourself more of a headache if you try and ask any more questions. You usher her out of your spot. “Now off my chair.”
“Okay, fine,” she begrudgingly gives up her seat. The wolf decides on your bed as her next best spot.
“Why don't you go to your own apartment?” you lament, turning around to face her. You aren't going to get anything productive done with Momiji eyeing you from your bed.
“Well, I'm already here. It's too much work to go back now.” She rolls around lazily, swishing her tail freely. “Besides, I like it here. I feel pretty safe.”
“Safe? What's dangerous to a wolf tengu?”
“Yes, yes, I forgot I must spell everything out for you.” Momiji flattens her ears, propping herself up on her elbows. “When I'm here, I don't have to pretend I don't have wolf ears and a tail. It's pretty nice, actually. I get to be Momiji, not Cook.”
“How does it feel to be Cook?” For once, you're actually interested. Momiji's been coping with the outside world pretty well, but you'd like to hear her opinion about it.
“It's alright,” she shrugs, brushing aside a stray lock of her hair from her forehead. “I kinda enjoy my job as Cook. My coworkers are nice. My boss....” She trails off. Then, with a chuckle, she adds, “He's alright, I guess?”
“Oh yeah?” Maybe you should put her in her place. “I just recently hired a new recruit. Want to know how she's like?”
Momiji, ears fluttering about, does her best to appear cool and collected. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Girl's a complete dork that doesn't know how to use her keys and has no sense of privacy. She's an idiot. A lovely idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.”
“I'm sure she's a cutie,” she quips. “Do you think her boss thinks so too?”
[ ] Her boss supposes she's more cute than not. [ ] Her boss is more concerned about her ability to start up rumors like wildfire. [ ] Her boss believes that his opinion is irrelevant. [ ] Her boss cares more for her questionable work ethic.
[x] Facepalm. [x] Her boss supposes she's more cute than not. [x] Her boss is more concerned about her ability to start up rumors like wildfire. [x] Her boss believes that his opinion is irrelevant. [x] Her boss cares more for her questionable work ethic.
Well, some people in the channel did state that Cook was like Gallus. Perhaps they see the IP of MC's computer and are playing along with Cook thinking that the MC was acting was using an alternate nick so they can make fun of the plebs right under their noses?
“Okay,” you breathe. “Let me get this clear. Under certain circumstances, under even deeper scrutiny, and under specific situations, maybe, just maaaaaybe, her boss supposes that she is more cute than not.”
“Well. What are those circumstances?” Momiji, maintaining a cool, composed face. Only the flicking of her ears betray her intentions.
“Don't ask me, okay? What do I look like, her boss? Jesus.” You pretty much dug yourself into a grave. Momiji played you for a fool... again. The best thing to do here is to deny everything. Absolutely everything.
She laughs giddily. “Well, I'm flattered.” Momiji sits upright on your bed and idly kicks her legs back and forth.
“By what?” you ask. “I didn't say a single word. We were just talking about Cook and his boss, right?”
“You know, I think that's the first time I've been complimented in a while.”
“Really now? Has it been that long since you've been out of Gensokyo?”
“I wasn't complimented much in Gensokyo either, you know!” Momiji declares this with a huff of pride.
“Huh. Weren't you the Chief Guard? Wouldn't people throw compliments at you just because you're a big authority figure?”
“Oh, I don't pay attention to the kiss-ups.” She dismisses the thought with a wave of her hand. “I think it's because tengu like beautiful things. Tengu like seductive, provocative. They don't like strong, cute, or funny. Such is life in the village.”
“Are you implying that you're cute and funny?” you ask, shaking your head.
“Didn't you?” She responds, smiling.
“No,” you flatly reply back.
“Then at the very least, I'm strong. I have that going for me, I guess?” Momiji curls up in your blankets, sinking back into the mattress.
“Not a lot of men like strong,” you say offhandedly. "They want to protect the girl sometimes, you know?”
“Would you protect me?” chuckles Momiji.
“From what?” you ask. “You don't need protecting. Let's be practical for a second here. If someone came charging at you with a knife, I'd worry more about that poor son of a bitch than your well-being.”
“Well... true.” She giggles at the thought. You know, if she weren't a youkai, you'd think she wasn't taking the whole “getting charged at with a knife” thing too seriously.
Momiji's sinking further and further into the blanket. You know, you think you're going to lose her if you let her fall into the deep abyss that is a comfortable blanket and pillow. There's a way to save her, still. Probably. “Want something to eat?”
“Mmm,” she nods serenely, becoming one with the blanket.
You'd better hurry before she's lost forever. It actually feels like it's been ages since you've cooked for yourself. Looking over the contents of the fridge, you have some garlic, butter, pasta... and more pasta. Looks like you're making pasta. You get the pan, throw on some olive oil, and dump whatever you can scrounge up from the fridge. Tossing the angel-hair pasta around for a bit, you season it with the spice of kings: salt. After fifteen minutes, you click off the stove and peek back into your room. Momiji almost fell asleep. She nods off, eyes drooping almost shut. She's completely entangled in your blankets.
“Momiji,” you call to her. She rouses, peeking open an eye groggily. Wiggling out of the covers, the wolf tengu twists and turns, stretching her arms and legs.
“...Hi,” she mumbles dreamily.
“Food's ready. But more importantly,” you say, frowning all the while. “Could you try and not fall asleep on my bed?” You have to basically drag Momiji to the living room. Taking two plates of pasta and some utensils from the kitchen, you serve both you and the wolf tengu some food. Despite not cooking for a while, it turned out well. Probably because pasta is one of the easiest shit you can make.
Momiji is already working at the food. “Hey, this is pretty good.”
“Yeah well, I had to learn to make food because we were always short cooks. And bartenders. And just about every– holy shit, our employee turnover is terrible.” You pause to gather your thoughts. “Anyway, I had to do everything when my boss upped and left. You think I'm bad? Don't even get me started about my boss. I'm a fucking angel compared to her.”
“What got you working at the bar, anyway?” asks Momiji between bites.
“I needed the extra cash. I ended up doing part-time here for most of my college years before I dropped out. Ended up working full time at the bar. I've been working there for so long it feels like home to me.” You recall both the good times and the bad. You remember when your boss went to “go get a drink” and ended up disappearing for a week, leaving you in charge of everything. You also remember when you got slapped by a full-sized U.S. flag, when you almost got set on fire, and when you had to stop an actual rodeo in the middle of the bar. Funny, the more you think about it, the less you recall the good times at all.
“I can't actually tell whether you like the bar or not,” replies Momiji, nibbling on some pasta.
[ ] It's alright. The people working there are okay, too. [ ] Just enough to care. [ ] You couldn't care less about it.