Part 1: >>26223

[-y-] I don't know what I am. Part human. Part bird. Part doll. None of them. All of them. Less yet more. To define myself, to attempt to encapsulate my entire being in such few, superficial words is a fool's venture, for none of us are merely the sum of our parts. If nothing else, then I will accept but this - I know not what I am, save that I am I.

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Taking her words to heed, you glance down at yourself, and the hands that are by your side. One that is still clawed and wicked, glinting in the light that leaks through the trees. The other is wooden and dull, not reflecting any light at all.

One part of it is alien, and one feels natural. Yet, at the same time, both are wrong. They are not your hands. This is not your body. You did not choose this. Instead, this was chosen for you. This is not how you want to be. This is the life you are forced to take and endure.

Then again, how is that any different from what you have always been? Your life before this was dull and dreary. It may have been safe, giving you enough money to keep a roof over your head while saving up for a rainy day and your retirement decades from now, but was it truly a life for you? Were you truly alive back then?

That life was not the one you wanted, either. Idly, you drift back to your own childhood, of what you wanted to be so long ago. What so desperately you wished to be real was not, and so you found yourself drifting on a path to mediocrity. It was not the path that you desired and aspired to, but it was the one you were forced to walk.

And now it comes down to a decision. Two paths that you can walk. You can succumb to the beast that you are now, to the primal urges to rip and tear guts large and small. All the same, you hear the song in your throat telling you that is not the only option. An embrace of the elements could be sought out, if only you so asked them to take you in.

However, at the same time your conscious proved too strong. You can't give up what makes you human, even if you were not exactly a shining example originally. However, you have seen these Youkai, and what they do to others.

You think back to the girl waiting back at the burrow, clinging to just the barest hint that there was something out there that she could return to. With but a threadbare shirt to keep a hold on her sanity, she stood there, trusting that you would return to her. Waiting overhead was that monster of a girl, threatening to hurt her once again. If you did not return as yourself, you don't know if Mystia will make it.

Not to mention the doll that was back at Margatroid's home. You went out of your way to treat it as she should. It was not just a doll. It was another person, one suffering a curse even more terrible than yours. If you couldn't keep your humanity for her sake, what good was it? What good was any of this you have done?

"I ̧k͏n̵ǫw ńo͘t wha҉t̷ I̸ am,̵ ̀sa͜ve th͟at I a͜m ̵I̷." The truth in that statement shocks even you as it falls out of your mouth. Closing your eyes, you begin to search for something within yourself. You know not what you search for. None of the bestial anger or the elemental placidness is your destination. Instead, you look deeper, past those parts of you, and past the part of you that still wishes for this all to be a bad dream.

However fantastic this all is, it is real. You will not go back to normal, ever. You can accept that. You will not accept whatever destiny these Youkai have for me. There is nobody who can write your fate. Instead, you will compose that future melody, and you will sing it out as you desire.

As you accept that you are more, you find yourself.

Lights dance in front of your eyes as they refuse to open, batting back and forth. You hear loud whooshing in your head as something inside of you stirs. Feathers twitch and gears grind as something pervades your body, something alien and at the same time something so familiar you can't help but wonder when it ever left you.

Idly, you feel familiar cold hands pressing down on your shoulders, shaking you. A few seconds later, you feel said cold hands slapping your face, but you do not respond. You are caught up in this reverie, this feeling.

However, how great this feeling is does not override the pain that soon follows as it pierces your mind. Numbers twisting in half dimensions, slipping sideways as words write themselves diagonally on tesseracts. Numerals dance in four dimensions before fading into colors that your eyes have never seen.

Out of the corner of your mind, you hear a voice that is panicked. "Lucas… What have you done? This shouldn't be happening…" Again, the hand slaps the side of your face, and again you give no response. "It appears that I must take… Harsher measures…"

Before you realize what has happened, you feel the cold hands on your face as her fingers pry your eyelids open. You do your best to shut them, but her fingers are stronger. Wincing at the light compounding the pain in your head, you barely see those dead eyes of hers staring at you.

After a few torturous seconds, Margatroid closes those eyes. A moment later, they shoot back open, the orbs inside now blazing as her colors fuse together. The life in her eyes burns brighter until you can see nothing at all but the white light.

Until there is nothing but light.

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Whimpering, you squeeze your eyes shut at the bright light. Everything is so cold now. Why is everything so cold? The slick liquid on you makes you feel even colder as you slide between two long soft things.

Taking a ragged gasp, you let out a small cry. Something warm and fluffy surrounds you as you two large things pick you up off the ground. You peek open your eyes and see a bunch of flickering things. So shiny… You reach out a hand to touch them.

A light voice chuckles as you are carried. Glancing up, you see a big thing carrying you. What is that big thing? You have no idea what. Oh well. At least you are warm and cozy. Still, the big thing hands you to another big thing.

Whatever they are, they make a lot of weird noise. But they sound happy. This one feels different though. This one is safe. Smiling, you bury your head in large mounds before you, nuzzling softly.

After a few moments, you look back up before grinning at Papaw. "Look! Look wha' Mamaw make foah me!" Smiling, your pudgy hands hold out the rag doll with buttons for eyes that she had given you just moments before.

Smiling back at you, Papaw ruffles your blonde hair. "It's cute. Is she your friend now?"

"My bestest fwiend!" You grin even more toothily at the man as he sets you down. "I ca' pway wif her an' haff 'ea wif her and aww sors of fum!"

"That's good, dear." Grinning at your actions, he sets down in his chair and gathers up his hammer and tacks. "But you didn't even show me your dress? Is that a new one that she made for you?"

"Uh-huh!" Smiling happily, you spin around, sending the dress flying. Once done twirling about, you pick your dress up and do the best imitation of a curtsy that you can.

"It looks lovely on you." You can't help but to smile brighter at Papaw as he says how pretty you look. "Now, I'm going to have to make you a new pair of shoes to go with that dress. I wonder what would look better with that blue…"

"Wha' about' 'e bwown?" Smiling, he nods to you. You can't help but to spin around once more with the doll, hugging her to your chest. "Me an' 'olly gonna go an' pway now!"

"Alright, dear. Have fun, but make sure to do what your mother tells you to!"

Pouting for a moment, you dance away, running through the tall walls of the house. You are glad that Mamaw and Papaw are still around. Sisters are too old to be interested in you, so you love it when they are around. And now you have Dolly, you will have someone around all the time.

Like those stupid boys. Harrumphing, you march past them in your boots, your head held up high as they jeer at you. "Look at the little girl! Such a stupid doll she has!"

Turning towards them, you stick out your tongue and clutch Dolly tighter to your chest. "At least I can count! Stupid boys don't even know how many toes they have!" Stomping away, you barely notice as one starts running after you, his feet pounding noisily on the stone street.

Before you can say anything, one of them yanks Dolly away from you. "Haha! Got your stupid doll, you stupid girl!" He grins as you start running towards him, holding the doll too far away for you to get.

"Give Dolly back!" Angrily, you do your best to jump up on the stupid boy and take her back from him. However, whatever you do is no good, and you can't reach her. Tears start to form in your eyes as you shout at him again. "Give Dolly back!"

Basking in his triumph, he didn't even notice as another boy hits him in the back of his head, knocking him down to the floor and sending Dolly flying. Immediately, you leap over and catch her out of the air, before turning back to the one who had knocked the stupid boy down. Your heart freezes for a minute as he grins at you, before diving back at the other boys. Even as you dart away, you can't help to reconsider in your mind.

"He's not a stupid boy!" Frowning, you look at Mamaw as she stitches together your dress from where you had ripped it. "Just because we were playing in the streets…"

"It doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful. Those poor boys are so filthy, after all. Who knows what diseases he may have?" Mamaw sighs as she does her best to mend the jagged tear. "Especially as such actions are not ladylike."

Pouting, you grip the hand of the doll by your side. "But I am ladylike at home, and with all those other stupid girls. But they're dumb. They barely even know how to read! Always fussing about something or the other. Having tea with Dolly is more entertaining that having it with them!"

"I know they can be… frustrating, dear." Sighing, she glances away. "I wish that your sisters would care for you, but all of them have their husbands to attend to, now. You need to get to know some other girls your age, Margaret. Maybe they can teach you how to act."

You cross your arms, looking away. "Like I need to be taught. I can be both at once." Frowning, you looked down at your feet, scuffing the boots against the floor. "Although, I think I hurt myself this morning…"

"Why is that, Maggie?" Looking over your body quickly, she finds no obvious cuts. "Where did you hurt yourself?"

"I… I started bleeding, down there… This morning." Blushing, you look away from her. "I didn't wanna tell you…"

Mamaw is silent for a few seconds, be chuckling. "So it's that time. Come along, then, daughter, let me tell you a few things about how your body changes as it grows up."

Not that grownups are that smart. That silly boy that you follows around agrees with you. Even as you grew older, you can't help but return his grin. That special grin that makes your stomach flutter. As time passes, you notice that he only gets taller and stronger, and you change in other ways. "I don't think I can keep up much longer…"

"Why not! You and Dolly always can keep up with me." That grin of his made you melt a bit more, before it made you giggle. "What did I say? It's the truth?"

"But you're getting taller… I couldn't run as fast as you before. Now I can barely keep up, even if you dash slowly." Blushing, you look away, one of your hands gripping Dolly's as she rests in your pocket.

"At least you're getting more out of the deal. I may be getting stronger, but I'm still as ugly as ever. You're just getting prettier." After a moment, he realizes what he just said before blushing and looking away.

As cute as the reaction is, you find yourself also blushing at his remarks. "You think… Think I'm pretty?" Your lips tug up as you glance down at yourself. You're still just a twig as far as you are concerned, but Mamaw did say that you'd grow into a beautiful woman in time.

Interrupting your musing, the boy smiles weakly behind his dirty face and mussed hair. "I always have. Never was gonna say it though. Boys aren't allowed to think that girls are pretty."

Smiling, you slide over closer to him. "You can call me that…" Darting from side to side, you make sure that no one else is lurking on this dirty old city street. Satisfied that none are here, you lean up to the boy. With your own face blushing heavily, you plant a small peck on his lips.

Leaning back for a second, your grin widens before you move in and plant a longer, deeper kiss on him. After a few seconds, he eventually pulls away, squeezing your hand as he does. "I've got to go now. We're going to be casting off soon enough. I'd rather not be scrubbing decks on the first day aboard the ship."

"If they're doing that, why couldn't they just enlist you in the navy? You'd be so much safer…" Tears well up in your eyes as you cling to his uniform, pulling him closer. "I wish that there was a better way…"

"Hey, Margaret… Don't worry." Smiling, the boy wipes the tears from your eyes with a rough finger before squeezing your hand again. "I'll be back. This should be enough to get us started. And maybe then your parents…"

"They will. They promised me that if you had enough to get started." Smiling weakly up at him, you grip his shirt tighter before giving him another soft kiss. "Come back to me, love."

"I will, love." With smiling eyes, he slowly lets go before fixing his knapsack on his shoulder. Slowly, he walks away towards the gangplank, his eyes never leaving you. "I'll be seeing you soon enough, Maggie! Trust me!" Waving goodbye slowly, you squeeze that old doll to your chest, a soft reassurance as to old times… And maybe a bit of luck.

Bad luck, in particular. You weep as you stand in the old grassy field, staring at the stones in front of you. The older forms of your sisters fade away into the fog, disappearing with but a word of farewell. However, you cannot accept how everything changed, so quickly.

"Why did the pox come for Papaw… Why did it have to, and why now?" You shake your head as you stare at the gravestone. "And why did you have to follow him, Mamaw? You still had me… You still had me…"

Kneeling down before the graves, you trace the names on them. "Why did you leave your Maggie? Why now? Not with… Not with what I just heard…" Sniffing, you shake your head as you pull out a small stone from your handbag, placing it on the ground between the two.

"Not even… Not even caring enough to send back the body. Just a poor soldier boy. They said that there was nobody to love him…" Shaking your head, you do your best to adjust the stone with his name on it, making sure that it is lined up with your parents. "I loved him, though. Why couldn't they let him come back? Even… Even if he was dead, I could have seen him… one last time."

Sniffing, you place your head in your hands, too weak to even cry. "All the way to Crimea, and for what? Nothing but recognition for serving the Empire…" Shaking your head once more, you stay there for hours; silently grieving for all that you have lost.

Looking up, you feel the carriage rock as it comes to a halt. "Have we arrived already?" Slowly standing up, you make your way to the door and exit to the outside.

There before you was a small house, just as the agent had said. Not that much land that you could call your own, but it was nice and away from the city. You'd find some way to get by, but you had to get away. There are too many good memories, and too many bad ones. Sighing, you glanced inside and began to remove the luggage that you had bothered to keep.

Once the carriage had left, you did your best to tote the heavy trunks inside the house. The papered walls that met you were foreign to your eyes; so long had you spent in that cobbler's shop in the city. However, they were now the walls that you would call home, so you traipse inside.

Even as you begin to unpack, you feel your mind keep drifting. Clenching the hand of the doll that remains in your pocket, you do your best to keep from breaking down once more.

However, you are interrupted by a small noise. Looking back at the entryway, you see a girl standing outside. She can't be more than ten years old. Smiling softly, you walk over to her and kneel down. "Hello there… Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"I'm Alice! Nice to meet you! Are you new?" At your nod, she smiles. "That's good! I wanted someone to play with me. Will you come and play with me?"

Glancing at the piles of luggage that had to be sorted out yet, you look back at the girl and smile. "Of course. I'm Maggie. It's nice to meet you as well." Tilting your head to the side, you ask as kindly as you can, "What is it that you want to play?"

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Before you can answer, light fills your vision and you are in a small copse among the trees. As you blink your eyes, you find yourself staring at a pale vision of yourself. "Who are you? What are you doing here, and why do you look like me?"

Frowning at you, the copy shakes her head. "What are you talking about… Snap out of it, beast!" Before you can ask what she means, she slaps you upside the head. Your cheek stings at the cold hand. "Remember who you are!"

Affronted, you step towards the copy. "I know who I am. I just want to know who you are to imitate me!"

The copy pinches her nose, before glaring into your eyes. "You are mistaken. A side-effect of what I just did. Listen to my words. Remember who you are, Lucas!"

Your mind stretches for a moment before snapping back into place. "Who… Who I am…" Just as suddenly as everything else, the memories flood back into your mind. Every single moment from the past day, not to mention the rest of your life are suddenly crystal clear. "I am Lucas. I am I."

"For a moment, you weren't." Margatroid shook her head before looking away. "That took longer than I thought. Are you well enough to travel?"

"I think so…" Shaking your head, you try to make sense of what just happened. You remember yourself. But you remember another self just as well, if you just give it a little thought. "But Maggie…"

[ ] Why am I speaking with your voice?
[ ] Why do I remember… this girl's childhood?
[ ] What did you do to me?
[ ] Why am I calling you Maggie?
[ ] (As always, insert your own)

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Well, I hope you all enjoy this wall. It isn't quite a great one, but it certainly is a wall, compared to the others

Also note that next update is the z update, so start thinking of your questions so that you can debate them out!