Moral !1d4WGijdSc 2011/08/08 (Mon) 11:14 No. 58 ▼ File 131280204154.jpg - (276.66KB, 700x994 , hatater.jpg)
Forgive me, I only wanted to try out something new.
In the midst of the Kakashi News, Hatate plotted. She waited and waited until the time was right. She would be the one to capture the human's heart. The moment she laid her eyes on her human, she knew that he would be hers. So Hatate patiently kept watch over him - looking over his items, his possessions, and his person. She would be as still as a snake and strike when the time is right. But even she did not know what he was doing during the afternoon, nor the reason why he saunters through the tengu village so often. It seemed as most didn't recognize him. Hatate was confused. Maybe she should keep a better eye on her human.
She waltzes through the tengu crowd, weaving past many other people. Doing her best to remain calm, she taps him gently on the shoulder. A curious look remained on his face as he turned around.
"Yeah, who is?" Oh!" A look of recognition flashes through his eyes. "You were the girl who published the other newspaper! Was it the...Katashi News, or something?"
"T-The K..K-Kaka...." Hatate was flustered. Her human was looking directly at her with expectant eyes. Immediately getting nervous, all that comes out of her mouth is a stutter. Before she could embarrass herself any more, Hatate raises her wings, and flies out of sight. Once alone in the outskirts of the village, she hits herself on the head. "I'm so stupid! I can't even blurt out 'Kakashi News' in front of him!"
After berating herself, she sulkily flew back towards the village. On the way, Hatate looks around for her human, trying to avoid him at all costs. She didn't think she could bear to see him right now. The moment she sets foot in town, Hatate heads for the nearest bar. She makes her way to the bartender, and looks directly at him. "One of your strongest, right now." Hatate demands.
"Yes, miss, but won't it be hard for your delicate body to handle?" He inquires.
"ust do what I say." She lashes out at the bartender. Shaking her head, she sighs. That's not what she meant to say at all. "...Sorry." Hatate replies afterward.
"It's no problem," he states. "It happens to me all the time." Giving her a light smile, he brings out a moderately sized cup filled to the brim with a potent-smelling alcohol. "Don't be too harsh on yourself."
She offers him no reply, but takes a small sip. It's sour, but still goes easily down the throat. In short work, Hatate finishes her cup. And the next refill, as well as the one after that. But after the third one, she wasn't too sure how many she drank. It was hard for her to focus on anything, almost falling but caught at the last second.
A voice rings hoarsely, "Will ya take care of her? She's been drinkin' like an oni! I can't have 'er in my bar anymore."
"Did she pay for the drinks?"
"N-no, but the bartender's payin' for 'er. Lucky little devil, she is."
"Well, I don't really know her much, but I'll be willing to escort her elsewhere." Suddenly, Hatate is lifted over somebody's shoulders.
"Good. Now get outta here!"
Hatate was still in a daze, not sure of what was happening around her. But she faintly heard her human somewhere before she passed out.
Moral !1d4WGijdSc 2011/08/08 (Mon) 11:14 No. 59 Hatate woke suddenly from her stupor, an intense pain rushing through her body. Her head throbs uncontrollably, but her eyes slowly adjust to the seemingly flaring lights. Her human is seen looking down at her on a chair.
"You okay?" He asks. "You were out on the couch for a good few hours. Thought I'd check up on you - and good timing, too."
She tries to sit up in surprise to her human."W-Wha-" oww.." Hatate whines, reclining back on the soft couch cushions.
"Just relax for a bit. Here, drink some water." He pours some water from a small pot into a cup.
Feeling more confident than before, Hatate pleads, "Could you help me drink it? I'm still a little weak..." She does her best to look helpless.
"Sure," he complies. "But I don't understand why you drank so much in one sitting." Her human lifts Hatate's head up gently, tipping the cup onto her lips. After she stops drinking, Hatate immediately feels embarrassed by what she did.
"T-Thank you for helping me out today."
"Anytime. But please don't overexert yourself. I'll be gone for a while, so feel free to leave whenever you like. Just don't go drinking again," he laughs, disappearing from view. Once he left, Hatate immediately felt anxious. There was nothing for her to do here, but the pain is keeping her from going anywhere. So she waited. And waited some more. Even more after that. Finally, when her anxiety was becoming unbearable, she gritted her teeth and stood up. Wobbling around, Hatate clumsily paces herself to the exit. Taking flight, she steadily rises up the mountainside, arriving back inside the tengu village in little time.
Eager to find her human, she goes through the area, searching for him. But Hatate finds no sign of him anywhere. She had checked almost everywhere — from the taverns to the inns. But her human remained inconspicuous and out of sight. Frustrated, she leans on one of the building walls. She looks through a window, and coincidentally, her human was there. Shameimaru was there, too.
And they were both naked, going all over each other like sexual animals. Hatate found herself muttering to herself. "This was wrong. It shouldn't have happened this way. It shouldn't have been her..." She spits out. Taking several short breaths, she pulls at her hair, desperate to do something. But she won't, because she'll wait until the time is right. Like always.
So Hatate watched. She watched her human exit the door, looking over him. She waited until he left the village. Then, she flew down softly, blocking his way.
Suddenly, with one swift strike, she slashed him with brute force. Large cuts appeared from where her nails were, decorating his abdomen with blood. With another strike, his face. Then his neck. Then his legs. Then his back. Then his arms. She slashed and slashed until she collapsed.
At last, with bloody arms, she cried.
"It wasn't supposed to happen this way..."
Anonymous 2011/08/08 (Mon) 20:18 No. 60 Pretty decent story overall. Loving the laughs, disappearing from view. Once he left, Hatate immediately felt anxious... Finally, when her anxiety was becoming unbearable, she gritted her teeth and stood up. Wobbling around, Hatate clumsily paces herself to the exit. Taking flight, she steadily rises up the mountainside, arriving back inside the tengu village in little time.
Pick an overall tense (past or present) for your story and stick with it as the default. Shifts in tense are used to mark a sequence of events so that the reader is clear that something happened before, after, or at the same time as the main action. (There's a subtle difference between "She was undressing when he walked into the room" and "She had undressed when he walked into the room.")
Anonymous 2011/09/15 (Thu) 13:09 No. 122 Out of hand dismissal, best dismissal c/d?
But this was an interesting story and a good read. I'd harp on the tenses and verb conjugation, but that's already been done.